Clearly, there are some people who don’t need to practice being selfish. Already perhaps enough of It’s All About Me.. I thought I was selfish but I was just scared, I held on tightly to things because being with myself felt impossible to me. Always wanting to share and be open and generous, but not having lucid enough boundaries, I’d be sharing too much of Me. Meaning, I would repeatedly finding myself in the position of the door mat, or putting myself down in order to make others feel better in my comparison; and essentially, putting up with far too much crap at the sake of trying to be ‘nice’.
Recent life changes, both imposed and chosen, lead me to setting an intention at this last new moon, intending to make this lunar month ALL ABOUT ME! Ooooh, bit of an edgy subject for someone whose worried about being too demanding or, for someone in a position which generally gives to others.. My boundaries have been firmly yet flexibly set; imagine elastic brickwork!.. Saying no to any work I’m not sure my energy would appreciate, only going to places or doing things which permit my feeling at ease in myself, scared is fine, healthy at times, but not pressured (not to please or blindly help if it winds up hurting me). It’s a firm no to impositions on my time (unless I feel it’s worth going with it in the moment), and, challenging the things in my life which had been niggling me – I.e. if I’ve been questioning if they were fully satisfying my worth.
If it backfires and I fall on my face? So what. Like any other slightly neurotic person (well, ahem, recovered/ing neurotic), I see the potential to be worried about not being or doing enough to sustain friendships, work opportunities and other walks of life; but something has shifted. By permitting myself to say no, I no longer feel I need to be concerned about failing. That doesn’t mean I loose my sense of compassion, respect, humility or love; it means these are all very present but I apply them to myself first; as working authentically with love and respect, one cannot disrespect another, trying to respect the other without first understanding this for ones self is where it all goes tits up.
If you don’t get a result which was aimed for, a smile you were trying to impress for or that amazeballs gig you trained for, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means it wasn’t right for you. If it doesn’t come with ease (work maybe needed, but not being pushy or overly insistent) then it’s not meant for your here and now. Similar to spreading yourself too thin for others is simply doing something you don’t need to, somehow distorting the balance of what others need to perhaps learn to do for themselves..
A shortened version of this extract from the Tao keeps running in my head – do nothing and nothing is to be undone, but the whole is quite wonderful and explains with grace and fewer words what this month is about for me:
Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu – chapter 38
A truly good man is not aware of his goodness,
And is therefore good.
A foolish man tries to be good,
And is therefore not good.
A truly good man does nothing,
Yet nothing is left undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done
When a truly kind man does something, he leaves nothing undone.
When a just man does something, he leaves a great deal to be done.
When a disciplinarian does something and no one responds,
He rolls up his sleeves in an attempt to enforce order
Therefore when Tao is lost, there is goodness.
When goodness is lost, there is kindness.
When kindness is lost, there is justice.
When justice is lost, there is ritual.
Now ritual is the husk of faith and loyalty, the beginning of confusion.
Knowledge of the future is only a flowery trapping of the Tao.
It is the beginning of folly.
Therefore the truly great man dwells on what is real
and not what is on the surface,
On the fruit and not the flower,
Therefore accept the one and reject the other.
Taken from – http://www.wussu.com/laotzu/laotzu38.html