Tag: Centre

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Fighting with Myself

fighting with myself

I am another you
You are another me

When I fight with you, I’m really just fighting with myself.
I said that this week and I truly meant it.
There was a time that I’d hear such words and wonder about on what drugs someone had to be on to say something so bizarre.

Yesterday, I was on my way home from my 6th and so far, most intense BMC (Body Mind Centering) course and was met with the most surreal realisations. Typing this up the morning after, I’m still with the lingering sense that something big has shifted open..

Seeing in all the people around me, parts of myself..
Those traits and attributes I see in others which can make me feel warm and fluffy, and like want to hug them. Or those traits which make me feel beautiful, as in when I watch someone truly in their body and their experience and move so gracefully and with such mastery and I want to identify with these movers.
However, then there’s witnessing someone being overly expressive or sensitive, which hits my nerves and maybe I become annoyed or frustrated to be close to this. Someone with greasy hair and smelling unwashed (much like me after some 9 days of rolling around in the floor, getting up early and late to bed), and how when I see these traits I try to disown this person from being anywhere near me, so abstract to how I’d like to identify.

Yet still, in a place with an open mind, I realise; they all are me, or is it that I am all of them..

Observing myself on the bus this Monday morning past, petty words exchanged with someone tutting their annoyance of me moving into their space, (as I tried to make more space for others getting on the bus into the then discovered unwidened space I supposed of those who alighted) which I challenged. In reflection, If in that moment, I hadn’t felt petty or feisty in my early morning rattled mind, then I wouldn’t have cared. This man was reflecting back to me that petty argumentative side of myself and if I would have retorted beyond the few words I’d have said, to justify my actions, I’d be calling him the names that I could be called too.

With all those things in people I see which I love, and I loathe, I see those parts in me, and recognise how much and how deeply I can move between loving and loathing myself. After so much ‘work’ and attention been and being paid to be as authentic with myself as possible, it still strikes me when one of these shadows or unseen edges flare-up.

It’s so easy to blame the other, as in, I can’t keep away from them, I love them too much, or I couldn’t help trying to destroy them as I loathe them, (they’re so wrong or different to how I see me – extreme scenarios one can see in more worldly situations too). Hence, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be working and studying with such a community as I am: Katy, who is the BMC course director in the UK deserves a medal of honour to hold a space so much that shame, pride, ego and fear doesn’t get in the way of truly seeing not just a deeper part of one’s self on the physical (ie the skeletal system) but in all the parts of Mind and experience which we touch in these studies and discoveries.

I’ve heard before, biased against going into yourself, but I don’t mean narcissism, but to unearth the tough shadow parts whilst celebrating our more beautiful points. As it is my opinion that until we SEE and ACCEPT our whole selves, we can’t authentically do that with anyone else either (thinking healthy relationships). I’m surely still travelling a long road but if my physical and emotional health is anything to go by, this is certainly a path worth to travel

Thanks to all my teachers. From the humans to the trees, those little pesky flies that constantly compel me to swat them, and of course, to all those interested to share this journey.

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Flow Forwards..

flowforwards

If water doesn’t flow it stagnates.  You can’t drink stagnant water, it becomes toxic.  Just like water, if we stand still we’ll stagnate.  Some of the hardest lessons can be to let go of the familiar.

Letting go of stable jobs, ideals for how you saw yourself living, people, places, things..  By holding on to the edges, or those things you need to surpass, you limit the flow in life and in essence, deteriorate, loose vitality..  Allowing the rawness of new  territories, fully feeling the flow cannot only be painful but liberating..

2 years ago I left my cushy office job.  I had fantastic bosses, space to do handstands in the kitchen, easy work, good pay and walked to the office in no time from my studio flat.  It was amazing.  All except the fact that I had a constant deep gut feeling that I didn’t belong there (that and the fact I was the only one who would practice yoga in the office space, why not?.. ).  It was far from easy but it was simple.  I ended up landing a lot of new work very quickly under the wing of an amazing woman who needed lots of help with her work, it got me started..   It’s beautiful when you trust and let go into the flow, nothing can stop you!  It’s that trusting to let go part which is the hardest..

If it excites you, you’re on to a good thing for your flow..  If there are still too many obstacles which you cannot yet clear, then there is something still not right for that particular alignment.  You can only make the move if you really believe in yourself and what it is you are sharing, confidence helps, a lot (even if it’s only based on a feeling of it’s do or die!).

2 Months ago I left my marriage.  My wonderful adoring husband, someone who loved me more than I had experienced anyone else loving me.  But again, it didn’t feel right.  Although I was growing in other areas of my life I felt I had stagnated in my relationship, thus realised it was time to get back into the flow.  This decision was not made overnight but there were signs that it was no longer right for me.  The self-doubt I was carrying felt crippling, how could I leave someone who loved me so much?..  Someone so professionally and personally grand; such a fantastic human being..  Was I mad?..  Heightened insecurities creeping in at every opportunity, the stagnation of my situation further feeding into making it even harder to feel the clarity about leaving or not.  Learning to find my centered space is what was ultimately the key, finding that central channel which connects self to source..  I couldn’t have done it without once again tuning into my flow..

Less than 2 weeks ago I left my home!  MY home, with a separate yoga room I would teach classes, clients and workshops from; MY kitchen and bathroom (shared with your partner doesn’t really count I feel ha), my space, my front door..  It was comfortable but again I could feel myself stewing in there..  This was of course an inevitable part of what had happened earlier, but life was raw enough..  Trying to find a place to live in London ain’t much fun, consider the rat race on steroids is how I view the rental market here..  I found yet more of myself and my centre through this process, one easy and convenient option found me, after nearly pushing it away due to it being TOO easy I realised further about ALLOWING the flow within my life..

Like the work which just came up (and the angel(s) who provided it!), the room which was just so, making the decision I had been toying with for some time, it is all about the flow.  But without your centre, your flow isn’t your own, it can be pulled and pushed and [unintentionally] manipulated to help your environment rather than your soul and that, is unsustainable.

Over this time my yoga practice has been changing a lot too – much more about bringing everything back in, I save the acrobatics for other types of training now..  For me this helps.  If you’re in tempestuous times, have decisions to make or waves to ride, just remember, find your centre and you’ll find your flow.  If you can’t find your centre find yourself a good yoga or meditation teacher, book, or whatever else resonates for you..