Tag: Life

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Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

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What You Look Like Versus How You Feel

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For many, many years; a lot of my eating and exercising choices have been made on how I presume them to make me look, not always putting the value on how I feel.  Have your ever been more concerned about what you look like versus how you feel?!

Yes, I’ve had to eat and exercise to help the condition of Crohn’s which can sometimes raise it’s head and put me in hospital, or worried I’d need to go there again but still; it’s only just now with some more experiences and therapies that I can see more of the motivation behind many of my basic but essential life choices.

Having had food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, tannin reactions, stress reactions (generally this aggravates the special cells in my intestines the worst) lead to many ill feelings and skin conditions; I would do just enough in the ‘right’ direction to help me to feel better but wasn’t fully getting the WHY of these feelings and reactions from my body.  Call it a blessing or a curse, I seem to have a very fine tuned body which can either work tremendously well or go the other way pretty quickly too.christinerun1crop

Eating too healthily, avoiding this type of food, trying this type of diet (not necessarily one for keeping trim but to be ‘healthy’ for my guts too, which if I’m honest, always wound up with me at least not gaining any weight through fat); do this exercise, run a 10KM to get fit (photo left, 2008, possibly my worst year), do that training plan, this class..  It’s not been easy to regain my energy, full strength and vitality, whilst having my skin and hair express the same clarity but what I’ve learnt recently makes it all seem that much more simple..

The one thing (which was initially driven by my ego too, in order to get stronger than the other people in the class) which I have been consistent with as a way to FEEL good in my body and mind has been yoga.  Since my first class in London (I had done it before but was more into Pilates) about 6 years ago I was hooked; also very close to another hospital stay for my guts but it made me feel about a million times better each time, despite still hobbling out of class in some amount of pains.

Even yoga I’ve used as a tool to look muscular, or slim, or cool doing ‘the’ poses.  Which is probably why it bugs me so much to see all the instagram bollocks with selfies, self-promotion, expensive clothing brands to help you ‘look good’, and basic shameless bastardisation of this amazing science/art which has done so much in the making of me being alive and well today!..

So what’s changed now!? I listen.  I listen to my body, not just my head telling me, don’t have that it’ll make you fat; do that work out it’ll make you look more strong and muscular, train, workout, eat less, eat ‘healthy’; that’s bad for you, you need to do this to sculpt you..  My head, has many threads of pressure to ‘perform’ (work, life, love, play..), but this October (after the excessive tannin induced stint of winding up again with symptoms of system intoxication through ignoring the subtle messages of my body) I’ve gifted myself with enough space and time to sit back and listen.  Not forcing myself to work as much, or keep busy training or something during the quiet times.  Taking education from different diets (like the GAPS, Paleo, low tannin, anti-inflammatory, alkalising) to help give me the tools to understand how to nourish myself based on how I feel, to help clear the cloud of confusion walking into a shop or a cafe and not have to just walk out hungry coz I didn’t know what I felt like..  To not train so much, to let my fast twitch muscle fibres slow down a little bit and LET my body relax; to do more of the movements I can hear my body singing to!  To let myself self-regulate more on this internal compass rather than what I see around me.

I hear and see that for many people, it’s not about taking more time to relax but more time to energise; I see that some people have a different issue to this, but the answer is still the same; is what you’re doing (or not doing) feeling good?  Do you feel good in your body?  If not, change something, try something new which does feel good!..

For some people, this listening in has always been present; for others, we’ve needed to undo or are still undoing a LOT of interfering from the outside world.  Listening in takes time, and out of the confusion is where we can blossom into OUR truest nature, rather than the expectations of our surrounds.. And after all that, when you feel good, it oozes out of you and your face will radiate amazingness!

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Ayahuasca Adventure

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So finally I’ve booked it.  My trip to the Amazonian rain forest in Peru for this ayahuasca adventure.  4 weeks, just me, myself and I; set with the intention to unwind, deprogram and realign to who I say I choose to be.  Thanking and leaving the past now not useful parts behind me..

Over the past year I’ve been attending regular Embodied Relation Yoga Therapy with a fantastic therapist teacher, Kate Ellis.  This therapy of allowing my true threads of self to emerge, combine this with my ever unfolding path of yoga, and being married to a wonderfully different yet similar being to I; has supported my feeling the most comfortable with myself than I can ever remember being.   But, living a constant life in London, so much happens so fast, with people struggling to get along with themselves and each other, I’ve found can be tiring.  I keep flitting between feeling OK with where I’m at, trusting and knowing I’m on the right path, to wanting to chuck it all in and live in a tree house somewhere remote and wild..  The more I’m working with Kate and unveiling my true self, the more I KNOW that part of my path here on Earth, is to be that innocent playful expressionist, encouraging others to give in to their innocence too..  Not to be scared of the weird part of ones self, but to embrace it and transmute the voices of self-limitation into something more supportive of creative living..

Hence, finding myself embarking on this adventure, now new questions arise about what it is I might find.  I’ve discussed this path with many and until last week’s session with Kate my questions just seem inhibited some how, but now..  I want to be able to decipher those energies which are not mine but yet plague me for energy, I intend to be able to see with more clarity where my true path lies rather than seeking out the safest option.  This trip isn’t about getting high on this ayahuasca adventure and forgetting all ones problems, quite the opposite.  It’s about shining a light on those deeply unconscious parts of ones self which feel problematic, the parts which we cannot see with this 3D viewing physical eye.  Seeing these parts so they may be assimilated and processed with conscious awareness, helping to further ones path into peaceful living.  I’ve been manic, stressed, hospitalised and nearly killed by the effects of stress on my sensitive system (in the forms of ulcers and Crohn’s disease); I’m now a long way from there but can still feel now is a good time to move beyond that further.  We’re entering, or we’ve entered already into a new paradigm, times are a changing for the better and therefore we have much strength given to our healing.  The new moon came into Virgo (sign of healing and getting things right) yesterday and it’s like the planets themselves are saying, “do it!  Break out from the things which don’t feel healthy!”

The ayahuasca adventure retreat and Shaman I’ve chosen is one which has been recommended to me by someone personally trained by the Shaman and also attending this adventure.  Always with this nature of work, one MUST know one’s lineage when embarking on such a sensitive and potentially dangerous journey if in the hands of the inexperienced or untrue.  Check out www.kataricentre.com if you want more information on a place in Peru which has been verified as authentic.

I’ll write more about this in due course, check back later 😉

xx

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Less Like Hard Work

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I’ve been working with an intention for the last 3 weeks to not work so hard.  I know I know!  My work is on a freelance basis, therefore one needs to work really hard to make it happen (it’s ok mum, I’m doing great with work)..  Getting places on time.  Being in a committed relationship, this too requires work, and, personal development plays a big part in my life, always working hard to be the best I can be.  Friendships require effort and attention, and so does physical yoga and Pilates practice, Meditation and studying a nutritionist diploma.  Life can be hard work!

Any of that sound familiar?!

So here’s where things have started to shift for me and how not working so hard has been the ultimate blessing for my productivity and creativity..  I regularly go for 1:1 sessions with the wonderful Kate Ellis (look her up for amazingness in and around deep yoga journeying), and one thing she observed, which I now feel I observe in many around me, is the drive to work really hard!  To be strong and make things happen!

I grew up with the mantra to work hard for what I wanted, be that physical achievements, work, studies or relationships.  Reflecting, I’ve achieved really well from my degree, several decent jobs and many other qualifications now under my belt; I’ve been married for over 2 years and I feel I have a beautiful set of friends I love and appreciate.  I worked F-ing hard to get to where I am now, sitting in my yoga dojo in my warm and lovely home; and I’m grateful for all my hard work and that of those around me to help me get to here.  However, I’m now learning, there is a different way…

Downfalls of working excessively hard: Fatigue, tiredness, stress (leading to development of Crohn’s disease for me), control issues, sore and tight muscles and generally an absence of the lightness in life.

It doesn’t have to be this way..

So, this last 3 weeks experiment of not working so hard have been some of the hardest 3 weeks of my life to date!  Learning to let go, properly let go of things, express what bothers me (rather than swallow it and tell myself I need to work harder to avoid certain feelings) be open to opportunities but stop trying to make so much work and happen all at once; being able to trust that I do have enough work, more is coming to me and that I teach awesome classes and am a great friend and wife without having to spend so much energy.  Among the challenge and the bouts of major anxiety I can finally feel not working so hard working for me..  Life is unfolding in a much more natural way and my own practice and teaching have just spun off to a whole new level of awareness and spaciousness; holding a space rather than trying to fill it with the best solutions I could find.  Friends and relationships will stay if they’re meant to be, meeting up with someone doesn’t need to be a chour but an easy meeting when and where paths are crossing and vibrations resonate.

Does any of this echo for you?  Are you exhausted with life?  Try taking a step back and let it come to you.  Trust me, as a freelancer getting over an unhealthy relationship with money and self worth, it’s hard not chasing every lead; but relaxing, trusting and staying more open and focused to the now, has invited in more work and better clients than I could have found marching the streets of London for 10 years, wearing a body poster.  Lol, funny but unnecessary image.

Watch, Listen and Learn from yourself.  Stop forcing that yoga posture, stop forcing yourself to perform like a circus monkey.  Be full present in Each and Every Moment.  Honor your softer side in balance and harmony with your harder edge..

With love xxx

P.s. I don’t mean stop getting out of bed, turning up for work or calling your friends!  Apply effort that feels nourishing.  Be kind to you.

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New Year, What U Starting..?!

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New moons, new seasons, new year and new Paradigms…  EVERYTHING energetically and cosmically is giving us constant opportunities to grab a hold of our lives the way we see fit to live them, and go for it!

The highs and the lows being a part of life but choosing in which direction being our right..  The coming few months being the fruition point to turn things around even more to our liking..

What is it again which you choose to take on in this life?  How do you want to kick start this new year into action to work for YOU, self-empowering into feeling great about who YOU are and what YOU want..   Thus if we fulfill ourselves from our hearts and with love, this surely is to run over into empowering others and allowing others to fill up themselves – a time for connection both inside and out.

SHARE THE LOVE.

I have my own to do list to complete over the next few days, yes, it’s a bit scary going into the unknown, not knowing if efforts seem futile but trusting in the process.  If it’s not done now, then when?!..

Love x

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Realistically Good

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Do you like to indulge?  A lot?  Do you like to keep healthy and always do the right thing for your body?

I currently wave through both of these, my alignment to the healthy becoming more balanced and less strict so that when I do indulge it’s not always so fierce..  We’re human, we have many parts to us that need satisfying, much like our tastes in foods; sometimes we need salty sometimes we need sweet.

Especially if one is a woman and has a monthly cycle of hormones to contend with, the potential ups and downs, feeling perhaps the need to take in more calories during one or 2 weeks; our bodies go through a lot of changes constantly (male or female) so it’s important to listen to the signals for what our body and perhaps our minds may need in terms of nourishment or release.  We LOVE dark chocolate in my home, it’s our main vice, but for 1 week of the month I don’t need it, for another week I crave it, and thus consume more to keep in alignment with what my taste buds and body are calling for.  Yes it contains sugar (although not too much in 90% dark) and lots of fats but these help me fight the pangs of potential PMS and it feels nice (check out the science on that..).  In my opinion, so long as it’s not every day we scoff what’s ‘bad’ for us and that we still eat our fresh fruit and veggies; maintaining a good vitamin and mineral balance; it can be beneficial to give in and accept what we crave at times.  There’s value in EVERYTHING we do, relaxing into it ensures we can potentially find out a bit deeper why we desire certain things; watching these desires is sometimes also key to releasing them IF they don’t actually serve us.

Regret serves no one, if you ate those several chocolate bars, drank that wine, smoked, didn’t exercise, whatever; relish in the comfort it bought you so you can choose more what serves you best in the current moment; regrets about the past simply takes you out of your consciousness about being here and now, how else can you tune into what it is you need in this moment?

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Discovering Your Spiritual Path

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Do you know what your spiritual path is?  Are you on it?

What even is a ‘spiritual path’?

What is your main aim in life?

What makes you happy?  Sitting in a boat on the water?  Growing your own food?  Catering for your family?  Writing line of code?  Writing?

What ever makes you happy IS your spiritual path.  No one said your path has to be ‘spiritual’ in the sense of involving chanting or abstaining from indulgence, its what makes you feel good to the heart and body.

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Sex, Money, Love, Being?..

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What’s your most taboo subject?  What is it that makes you want to curl up and die inside when you hear a certain word or question in conversation?

Is it about love, especially your relation to it?  Sex, o that’s so improper..  Money, a private affair?  Feelings?  How much or what you’re worth?  Your addictions?  Loneliness? Fears?  Insecurities?

What are you most scared of opening up about yourself?

And why?..

I feel, the deeper we can get to the roots of our fears, then the best chance we have of liberating ourselves from them and moving on into the vastness of life.  Opening ourselves up to all the parts of it we’ve been too scared to explore before..

Start that conversation with yourself or with someone close by (even an animal friend)..  Feel the fear and break through it, we’ve only got 1 life in this body..

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Asking for Help?

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Do you ever ask for help?

Do you over ask for help?

An interesting question which keeps coming up with me, do we ask when we need help?

If not, why not?

Or, do we ask for help to often, i.e. before we’ve even sat down to try and work things out for ourselves?

Hopefully you’re the balanced sort, but personally I’m coming out of the place of never asking for help but still always giving it a lot when asked.  I LOVE helping people, it’s in my nature (funny that considering my occupation.. lol); so I meet a lot of people who either seem to ask too much or too little to assist in their optimal growth.

My main conclusion on this is that is comes down to trust – either not trusting ourselves enough or not trusting in others enough.  This has given me much space for reflection on my own trust ‘issues’ and it feels nice to see where I may be able to grow as a person by having more trust..

Much love xxx

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Happy Easter? Pascha? Passover? Chocolate Egg Day?. Holidays!!

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Personally, I was bought up as a Catholic.  Thus Easter was boring with lots of church visits but balanced out by chocolate bribes.

As I’ve grown through life I’ve learnt I’m not much a fan of organised religion, and although I believe that like Mohammed, Buddha, Krishna and such, Jesus was a real man who left parables in an attempt to point at something divine.  I don’t however believe in heaven and hell, except that which we create for ourselves in our own minds; but I do respect that everyone believes in what they feel is right, organised religion may feel good to you and I respect that too.

Easter for me now, is a great time when I can spend some more time with the people I love and choose to be around.  Thus, I wish all people, (whatever it is you celebrate, love, family, suffering, God, chocolate, bunnies, the Sun) a VERY exciting Easter Holiday time.

We’re also between a lunar (moon 14/04/14) and solar (sun 29/04/14) eclipses right now, a powerful time of year for all!

LOVE and more LOVE xx