Mind Archives - CORE-FOCUS

January 18, 2020March 24, 2020

Fighting with Myself

I am another you
You are another me

When I fight with you, I’m really just fighting with myself.
I said that this week and I truly meant it.
There was a time that I’d hear such words and wonder about on what drugs someone had to be on to say something so bizarre.

Yesterday, I was on my way home from my 6th and so far, most intense BMC (Body Mind Centering) course and was met with the most surreal realisations. Typing this up the morning after, I’m still with the lingering sense that something big has shifted open..

Seeing in all the people around me, parts of myself..
Those traits and attributes I see in others which can make me feel warm and fluffy, and like want to hug them. Or those traits which make me feel beautiful, as in when I watch someone truly in their body and their experience and move so gracefully and with such mastery and I want to identify with these movers.
However, then there’s witnessing someone being overly expressive or sensitive, which hits my nerves and maybe I become annoyed or frustrated to be close to this. Someone with greasy hair and smelling unwashed (much like me after some 9 days of rolling around in the floor, getting up early and late to bed), and how when I see these traits I try to disown this person from being anywhere near me, so abstract to how I’d like to identify.

Yet still, in a place with an open mind, I realise; they all are me, or is it that I am all of them..

Observing myself on the bus this Monday morning past, petty words exchanged with someone tutting their annoyance of me moving into their space, (as I tried to make more space for others getting on the bus into the then discovered unwidened space I supposed of those who alighted) which I challenged. In reflection, If in that moment, I hadn’t felt petty or feisty in my early morning rattled mind, then I wouldn’t have cared. This man was reflecting back to me that petty argumentative side of myself and if I would have retorted beyond the few words I’d have said, to justify my actions, I’d be calling him the names that I could be called too.

With all those things in people I see which I love, and I loathe, I see those parts in me, and recognise how much and how deeply I can move between loving and loathing myself. After so much ‘work’ and attention been and being paid to be as authentic with myself as possible, it still strikes me when one of these shadows or unseen edges flare-up.

It’s so easy to blame the other, as in, I can’t keep away from them, I love them too much, or I couldn’t help trying to destroy them as I loathe them, (they’re so wrong or different to how I see me – extreme scenarios one can see in more worldly situations too). Hence, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be working and studying with such a community as I am: Katy, who is the BMC course director in the UK deserves a medal of honour to hold a space so much that shame, pride, ego and fear doesn’t get in the way of truly seeing not just a deeper part of one’s self on the physical (ie the skeletal system) but in all the parts of Mind and experience which we touch in these studies and discoveries.

I’ve heard before, biased against going into yourself, but I don’t mean narcissism, but to unearth the tough shadow parts whilst celebrating our more beautiful points. As it is my opinion that until we SEE and ACCEPT our whole selves, we can’t authentically do that with anyone else either (thinking healthy relationships). I’m surely still travelling a long road but if my physical and emotional health is anything to go by, this is certainly a path worth to travel

Thanks to all my teachers. From the humans to the trees, those little pesky flies that constantly compel me to swat them, and of course, to all those interested to share this journey.

January 20, 2016September 18, 2017

Is it my condition? Or this world we live in?

Maybe I need to go live in a small village in Africa/India. I saw this video of Gabor Maté had been shared just after I wrote the poem below, trying to muddle through the highs and lows that seem to be concurrent with life.. Wasn’t going to post the poem because I don’t want to be judge or pitied by others (so I put it out to Facebook as a trial run, and got an appreciated response, and thus wanted to share it here too). I have a feeling it’s not just me and sometimes by sharing your daemons you can let others know you’re on the continuum together. No one is ‘normal’, it’s just our society likes boxes and unless you fit into a box then life can be pretty insane…

I listen, I read, I write
I process, I allow and yet still I fight..
The words of elders resonate about my being, talking of a lighter path which I think I’m seeing..
Is it this human disposition to continuously forget? Or my reason for being, I did not meet yet?
All these offerings of advice, even when wound up all succinct and concise;
in one moment they liberate my soul, in the next, I’m lost and again feel vexed..
Where do I turn when it feels like all I can do is run?
Run away or run to? I’m not sure but I’m oh so confused.
Yet again, the pearls of wisdom flood in from outside. They break the pain and make the clouds subside..
Until, the next thought comes in and crowds my mind again.
I meditate, I mediate, I relax and try not to try… But then I once again break down and cry.

Is it my condition? Or this world we live in?
To label my disposition; dyslexia, dyspraxia, hormonal or autism?..
But what do these tags really define? Am I so different? Or is it just the time?
I hear the wise words loud and clear. I pray that perhaps some ability to manage myself is near.

September 14, 2015September 14, 2015

Ayahuasca Adventure

So finally I’ve booked it. My trip to the Amazonian rain forest in Peru for this ayahuasca adventure. 4 weeks, just me, myself and I; set with the intention to unwind, deprogram and realign to who I say I choose to be. Thanking and leaving the past now not useful parts behind me..

Over the past year I’ve been attending regular Embodied Relation Yoga Therapy with a fantastic therapist teacher, Kate Ellis. This therapy of allowing my true threads of self to emerge, combine this with my ever unfolding path of yoga, and being married to a wonderfully different yet similar being to I; has supported my feeling the most comfortable with myself than I can ever remember being. But, living a constant life in London, so much happens so fast, with people struggling to get along with themselves and each other, I’ve found can be tiring. I keep flitting between feeling OK with where I’m at, trusting and knowing I’m on the right path, to wanting to chuck it all in and live in a tree house somewhere remote and wild.. The more I’m working with Kate and unveiling my true self, the more I KNOW that part of my path here on Earth, is to be that innocent playful expressionist, encouraging others to give in to their innocence too.. Not to be scared of the weird part of ones self, but to embrace it and transmute the voices of self-limitation into something more supportive of creative living..

Hence, finding myself embarking on this adventure, now new questions arise about what it is I might find. I’ve discussed this path with many and until last week’s session with Kate my questions just seem inhibited some how, but now.. I want to be able to decipher those energies which are not mine but yet plague me for energy, I intend to be able to see with more clarity where my true path lies rather than seeking out the safest option. This trip isn’t about getting high on this ayahuasca adventure and forgetting all ones problems, quite the opposite. It’s about shining a light on those deeply unconscious parts of ones self which feel problematic, the parts which we cannot see with this 3D viewing physical eye. Seeing these parts so they may be assimilated and processed with conscious awareness, helping to further ones path into peaceful living. I’ve been manic, stressed, hospitalised and nearly killed by the effects of stress on my sensitive system (in the forms of ulcers and Crohn’s disease); I’m now a long way from there but can still feel now is a good time to move beyond that further. We’re entering, or we’ve entered already into a new paradigm, times are a changing for the better and therefore we have much strength given to our healing. The new moon came into Virgo (sign of healing and getting things right) yesterday and it’s like the planets themselves are saying, “do it! Break out from the things which don’t feel healthy!”

The ayahuasca adventure retreat and Shaman I’ve chosen is one which has been recommended to me by someone personally trained by the Shaman and also attending this adventure. Always with this nature of work, one MUST know one’s lineage when embarking on such a sensitive and potentially dangerous journey if in the hands of the inexperienced or untrue. Check out www.kataricentre.com if you want more information on a place in Peru which has been verified as authentic.

I’ll write more about this in due course, check back later 😉

April 3, 2015August 14, 2015

Easy Breathing Meditation, Relaxation

This breathing meditation is simple to do yet effective at its head-space creation capabilities.. You can vary the length/counts for your breathing to suit you in that moment.. It’s also a great pre-cursor to the Yogic Breath technique.

Meditation or Mindfulness can help you to:

Feel calmer, happier and more content
Sleep better
Be more able to deal with difficult situations
Increase attention span
Have improved immunity, better health and less signs of aging (as are bi-products with stress reduction techniques naturally)

Safety points, if you suffer from heart conditions, are pregnant then it is NOT advised that you hold your breath between your inhale and exhale, otherwise, see how it feels and only include it if it works for you in any given moment… Also, always inhale through your nose, to allow for better filtration of the air you intake, especially when in built up urban areas. Optimally, also exhale through your nose but this need not be so strict.

How to :

Sit comfortably, preferably on a thick cushion or pillow on the floor. If your knees don’t allow this then sit in a chair but with your spine self supporting, away from the back of the chair, or lay down on a mat or rug – or, of course, standing or walking can work too – main point is that your spine wants to be softly straight.
As you breathe in, count how long your inhale takes. As you breathe out, count your exhale duration too. Do this for a few rounds of breath to get an idea of your normal. You want to aim to fill up and empty your lungs with each breath a bit more each time until you reach your comfortable capacity.
Next we want to lengthen and moderate the inhalations and exhalations. Aiming to make them both the same count can help to regulate not just the breath but your awareness about how much and how quickly you take things in and how you let them go again. A good starting point might be:
- Breathe in (inhale) through the nose and down into your belly for a count of 3,
- Breathe out (exhale), completely empty your lungs, through the nose for a count of 3.
  (I.e. Count to 3 in your head, slowly whilst you’re breathing..)
After a few breaths if it feels OK then extend your breathing to a count of 4 inhaling and 4 exhaling.
- If filling your belly and emptying your lungs doesn’t happen for you at first then play with it. It may feel strange to begin with, but, if it feels too hard, not beneficial, or you get a headache; try making less effort with it, keep the practice simple and easy!..
Repeat this pattern for at least a further 10 cycles (don’t worry if you loose count of something, it all takes practice, be kind to your learning process)
To advance (if none of the conditions mentioned above):
- Pause your breathing after you’ve filled your lungs. Hold your breath for half the count of your inhale. E.g. Inhale for 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold for 1, 2. Exhale for 1, 2, 3, 4..
- And/Or extend the count for each part of the breath to a point you can manage easily. In more advanced yogic practices the ratios of inhale, exhale and holds do vary, so if you feel comfortable then be playful with this practice. If you’re unsure it’s always best to seek some face to face guidance from a teacher you trust to check your technique, as we’re not all made the same, therefore it’s not one glove fits all for something as vital as our breathing..

Personally, I do this while on the train, walking, i.e. Pairing the count with my steps or, waiting in line or before any situation which might feel frustrating or bring me anxiety. Or simply to remind me about the here and now.. This is my intention at least lol, as being human and fabulously imperfect, life doesn’t always happen as planned 😉

And that’s it, your mindful and meditating..! Be kind to yourself and if you get frustrated trying to do this then keep it simple and take it back to counting your natural breath pattern with no intent to change it, simply count it.

Get out of your head! 😉

Love

January 3, 2014

Listening to yourself

Fortunately, my body is hypersensitive and thus is one which makes me listen; for which I am very grateful. Even just the subtle signs of pimples, aches or dry skin can be your body trying to get you to listen to it as a means to help it function better.

Listening to yourself could be inferred in many ways. There are multiple parts to our existence and thus there’s multiple parts of us we can listen to.

The body: Tells us when we’re hungry or in pain

The mind: Constant babble that can either be useful in solving complex arithmetic, or, is the distracting and destructive voice of the ego, which keeps us battling with ourselves or others

The higher mind/soul/spirit: This tells us how best to reach our ultimate goals and where the love is

In my experience, it’s quite a noise occurring, and the default or easiest part to listen to is the one which shouts loudest, i.e. the ego/mind. Fortunately for me however, my body screams quite loudly at me a lot when I disrespect it; and has forced me to listen to it over my ego. The current societal set up in the UK gears us from birth towards wanting money, power and externally percieved ‘beauty’, i.e. the mind/ego fulfillment; this is how I ended up in hospital a few times. If it wasn’t for listening to my body then I’m not sure where I’d be right now but I doubt it would be a great place.

It’s only by learning to listen to the subtle and gross signs in my body that I’ve learnt to not listen so much to the crap in my mind. In turn, I am then more able to listen to my higher mind/soul and find the love and direction I so desparately craved before. Hence my moto:

Get into your body to get out of your mind!