Friday 13th, Unlucky for Some

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Friday 13th, Freaky Friday.  I have never really understood why.

Some people are superstitious of numbers, some of black cats, some of walking over a certain number of drains; and others even more crazy things.

This Friday 13th marks a D day for me, D as in Divorce.  The BIG D, especially at age 33, I never expected this to be happening for me.

However, I don’t see this as a freaky day, or a bad day.  I see this as the end of an era to be celebrated.  I couldn’t have married a better person, it’s just a shame that we live in very different worlds which were only able to align (or collide as one may see it) for a short time.

I’ve had the opportunity to be with my ex’s name for over 5 years now.  Not sure of what name I’ll be wearing next year.  But. on my way to finalise paperwork, on today, Friday the 13th, I grasp how lucky I’ve been.

Uncivil divorces and breakups being rife, and a standard set about decent people and not accepting less.  I have accepted less, and more in some ways, in the past 2 years since we separated.  But, it’s great to reflect and accept some of my own flaws as well as basic standards which need to be met when it comes to letting someone intimately into one’s life.  Those amazing ex’s, they are the ones which make me feel lucky that I know what I’m worth, the others I can chalk up to experience.

Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

Autumn has come Early for Me this Year

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Autumn has come early for me this year, the summer fun has been overdone..  Yesterday I acknowledged a realisation about the disconnect between head, heart and gut. I recognise this isn’t a issue for some but also that there is a set of us whom find the art of living according to how we feel, that bit harder to hear. Perhaps that’s what I recognise sometimes when there’s a group of ‘yogis’ enter the studio, and I feel a real sense of discord, i.e. some of these people arriving are also feeling such a disconnect..?

The first 4 months of this year seemed to be a constant battle between my head and my heart. I could feel my head trying to get me out of destructive threads, threatening what I’d built at work, home, with friends and in my bank account. Yet my heart wouldn’t let go of wanting to love and be loved, although my gut knew this was all external to myself and therefore somehow still lacking.. I ignored my gut, and went mainly with my heart, until it was that I landed up in hospital; my gut was pissed I’d been disregarding it’s intuitive whispers.

I can hear my heart and it’s fear about stepping out of the romance game for anytime. I can hear my head telling me to keep working for both income and, the physical strength I’ve worked so hard to build up. However, the pleas of my gut (the one I thought I’d ‘fixed’ by probiotics bone broth and healthy eating) now resound louder than ever. Again bloated, inflamed gut and spine, imbalances through out, skin pathologies, intolerant to more and more foods..  It’s time to retreat.

Autumn has come early for me this year. It’s time to retreat and heal from all this head and heart madness.  Those educated in the gut know it rules, from the immune system, the emotions, processing the building blocks of health or rubbish we feed into it to build our cells. Yet, even the word, gut, it’s not sexy, not pretty, makes you think of..? It’s association with defecation and the less attractive traits displayed, generally it’s hidden, vacuum sealed up and shamed..  It’s the most primal and natural part of us, yet why can it be so hard to connect with?

However, in this retreat, the one and only rule is, my gut is allowed to lead the show for the next 6 weeks, I feel with the issues it presents and neglect it’s endured; it’s time I listen and keep the head and the heart on the back burner to rest their voices for a few weeks too. I’ve been juicing for 5 days now (and including regular balanced and nutritious food, just juice and raw doesn’t work for my predominantly vata body type) and including a few extra supplements to really give my body the chance to heal. Thus, if I’m not at festivals, parties, social gatherings please don’t find me rude; I’m on an early drawing in, autumn retreat, some time just for me.

 

xx

An acknowledgement to kind people

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Kindness.  Nothing less..

When I was about 17 I was starting to get closer to a long time flirting, high school time sweet heart. Within a couple of weeks, I cheated on him with his good friend, in his place.  I was drunk and stupid, had no idea what I wanted out of a relationship.  Since then, I’ve done a lot of growing up and much therapy work, and thus realise, there’s different end goals you can aim for with relationships, it isn’t about just sex, or a enduring a dull, drab monotony.  Yes, I was a pretty, a hem, very, confused teenager (kinda normal huh..?).

He was angry, but in the long run, I remember this high school sweetheart still being kind to me, and at least treating me like a human, despite my error in actions.

This is one story of many about the people who I’ve acted unkind, selfish or in other ways suboptimally to, when I was younger; and yet, I still received kindness (not to be mistaken for being a pushover, he ditched me there and then, clearly!) from.

It’s funny how now, after having enough of a taste of how that feels, I finally feel like I get the point of being kind… As in, how to and, why one might want to genuinely express kindness. Of course, all spiritual, self-help, religious and other such media profess kindness, but reading about it and consciously acting it feel totally different.

I heard enough times and realised, truly, deeply realised, that you attract what you are and/or what you’re seeking.
Over the years I’ve mostly had great people around me, good energy and such, however, there’s always been that guy and his drama and/or selfishness, or that wild and self-destructive close friend..

I was choosing to have that kind of vibe for my closest relationships, I was being self destructive, treating guys like shit; being a kind person for the most part (debatable!), but, for the deep and meaningful parts, still being quite unkind.

So what’s changed?

Injury, hurt and a lack of kind; plus the flip side of that, being given enough kindness from others. I’m not sure why I was acting in such an mean way, directed both inwards and outwards..  My last relationship was emotionally abusive, it was with a mental guy who’s paranoid and disturbed, mentally controlling and, hearing about his ex’s, if I would’ve stayed around, also physically dangerous too. Although for me, with a tendency to self care too little, the physical damage came all too easily to my sensitive body, through, self neglect.

I was going too fast and kept crashing, not taking time for myself and the more kind, nourishing and nurturing parts and people in my life. But, in hindsight, this was OK. Although yes, of course it would’ve been nice to not have had to endure so much pain to come to this realisation, but the experiences I’ve gained along the way will hopefully keep me in good stead going forwards. If I wouldn’t have had this experience then I wouldn’t be me, and I wouldn’t perhaps be able to connect so well with all those hurt or hurting individuals I know as friends, clients and colleagues.   A friend once said to me, whilst she was telling me a tale about her hard upbringing in South America, “You know, so many people I meet don’t seem to get it, but I can tell you can feel what I’m talking about”, or something along those lines; and this empathy at least for me, makes it all worth it.

So right now, as I nurse my physical (sacrum out of whack, over tight piriformis and hence not able to walk much so back to writing!) and emotional wounds (felt by my enteric/gut nervous system feels a lot of pain, still recovering from past hurt), I’m keen to reflect on how to keep myself free of this extreme self-inflicted need for rehab again…

It’s been the kindness of friends, family, teachers and strangers who have helped me to see how I can get myself together again.
The glimpses of this over the years, when the actions and words of people have exceeded how I treated myself.. When the people I was attracting were perhaps charming on the surface but deep down really hurting and less than loving…

 

 

Heart Listening Meditation

 

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Photo Credit Miguel Echievera

This Heart Listening Meditation can help you to release fears and anxiety, tune into your true self and express the best of you.  Whatever the struggle, these past few years have had the propensity to make or break many of us.  Many have left this Earth, left relationships, ‘stable’ careers, and homes; many changes still seem to be happening too..

Physically and physiologically I’m in better shape than possibly ever before; psychologically and emotionally possibly also too but, recently I’ve noticed the heavy feeling in my heart.  Perhaps this is from before but I wasn’t quiet enough to listen to it, or perhaps it’s more recent that my heart is feeling pained as I only came to notice it when sitting down for a few minutes self-healing before leaving to teach.

Your physical heart resides in the left hand side of your chest, the emotional or energetic centre in more in the middle of the chest at the bottom of the sternum (breast bone).  The left side is side to relate to the right side of our brains, which is said to be related to our more feminine, quiet, and intuitive qualities; for me, this left side has generally been a bit more disturbed on comparison to the right.

Once I had settled into my seat, it was almost like a firework of realisation went off in my mind!..  When did I last truly listen to my heart?!.  I realised I still was in need for some deeper introspection to move in beyond the pull of thoughts, judgement and the mind.. The mind is very smart, I thought I was feeling, but  this is different to actually feeling, listening, sensing and being aware of the more subtle layers..

The heart meditation my heart shared with me is too good and too easy not to share.

Sit, lay down, or however you can be comfortable and about 80% relaxed, so there is still an edge of alertness present.  Lightly place your hand on your heart (just above left boob or nipple is probably the easiest place to sense it, and see if you can follow your heart beat..

If you can’t at first it’s important to breathe and be patient, these things can take time..

Simply stay with that and send the intention of love from your hand(s) to your heart.

See if you can tune into the connected nature of it all through your physical body.  If that evolves to more subtle systems then allow whatever comes. If you wind up thinking then notice your thoughts, if it’s a story about hurt, love, pain, fun or anything else then notice it, and come back to listening to your heart beat. If anything keeps pulling at your attention then explore it at will, or simply write it down to make a note, but be conscious you’ve distracted from the listening.  For how long you want to do this is up to you.  Start with 5 minutes is my suggestion.  Try it and let me know how you get on!

Rebalancing of the Feminine and Masculine

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I’ve been feeling waves of femininity hitting me over the past few years, wanting to express this softer side of self; not quite sure how but being drawn to beings who are more feminine in themselves seems to have been a part of the pattern.  Feeling this feminine energy much beyond myself, like a pull from the universe; sensing a deep connection with an overtone of sadness for all the pain endured by women and mothers who have been here before me, and who are here even now.  Overwhelmingly so at times..  From the atrocious rape crimes which have gone on through war, and for some, all their lives; to the mothers struggling and fighting, being toughened, and hardening themselves in order to survive for themselves and their children this male dominated world.  It was just last October, during my Ayahuasca retreat that I connected with, and hopefully helped to release some of, the hardship and pain I felt was within my family line; coming from a string of very strong women, I was sensing their strength along with their sorrows (and of course joys entwined in there too), their strength required to live in this male world, resulting in them sacrificing a certain part of themselves, in order to survive..

The fighting of the suffragists and the suffragettes, being force fed by tubes during hunger strikes protesting for women’s rights to have a vote, such a flippant thing even I now take for granted at times.  The suppression of women by and in religion, only male priests, women being seen and not heard; the objectification of women to sell pointless products and insisting that they remove all their body hair, cellulite and blemishes, like it’s a shameful thing to be born or wake out of bed a certain way (I still shave, this isn’t over for me, but it’s interesting if you wanna dig into where it first became normal for the process of hair removal in the West at least).. Projecting the idolisation of the size zero alongside having large breast, which alone maybe natural for a select few, but together will very rarely be achieved without surgery or self-harming in some sense (I see this in the male world too now but that’s a whole other blog about the media and body image..)..

In this auspicious time, we’re coming out of a patriarchal, ego driven curve in the cycle of life; and coming into a space where patriarchy and matriarchy are again finding balance, the inclusion of the feminine, intuitive, softer side of life..  It feels like a trip to be tuning into and hearing among many sources (from astrologers to other far out kind of influences which I appreciate it’s harder for some to relate to) about this shift, whilst relating to my own personal experiences, it totally blows me away..  Of course, our perceptions form our reality, but this femininity is something I never imagined, it was previously a void for me; having never expressed my femininity so fully in this life, I had no expectations of what feminine should look or feel like..  To aliken it to the spiritual awakening I think everyone in my circles, are talking about right now, moving from the realms of the bigger, better, faster, stronger, mind/ego place; into balancing this with intuition, and a one love compassionate connection (quote Bob Marley and many other amazing artists over the past 60 years or so..)..femin2

I have deep thanks for the experiences I’ve gained from having to be so hard, the many many challenges which I’ve needed to be strong in an unrelenting sense, in order to survive, literally at times fighting for life; dominated and yet nearly damned by my own masculine edge..  And now, to have this shift and realisation that- it’s ok to express this divine feminine energy in and through these physical and mental constructs known as, ‘Christine’ is surreal.

This doesn’t mean I’ll turn into a soft puddle of goo on the floor, or crying uncontrollably at puppies or never carrying a shopping bag again; quite the opposite.  To me, now this feeling of femininity has a strength and power all of it’s own.  Deeply strong, the bond within families and circles, being able to hold together that which is felt but yet can’t be touched; by no means an easy feat.

It also doesn’t mean that I want to throw away all my trousers and renounce men; being in touch with both sides of the male-female, yin-yang, dualities in life is important in how we are currently playing this game of life.  Without one there cannot be the other, and right now, we are still in the grips of this ego driven patriarchy.  Therefore, now, more than ever the time seems ripe to bring balance back to these 2 edges of the duality; being a woman, the best way I feel I can do that is to allow this balance to restore within myself; to not suppress my softness and let it blossom as I unfold myself and nurture myself to allow this soft space to grow alongside my well established harder edges..  No longer do I see it necessary to push away feminine aspects in my life, fighting and competing with other girls, always looking to be the strongest; finding a lot of jealously when I looked into those who were more comfortable with this side of themselves.  Instead, softening to my sisters, helping them rather than being scared of them.

Pachamama, mother Earth too is in a great need of love, we need to bring this softness and caring into all spheres of this large floating rock sphere we call home..  It’s only with feminine energy that it seems possible!  Sustain, protect and heal, it’s not about growth and trying to build forever structures on a finite plane..

Clearly, this rebalancing of the feminine and masculine requires a lot of conscious effort; just this morning moving through the London tube system this was soon expressed to me by firstly the 2 ‘hard’ looking guys playing out a TV show loudly on their device in the carriage.  My previous would have been to argue with them, but I sweetly let them know it was bothering me and they turned it off (femininity helping already!).  Next changing trains being hit by a barrage of hard women rushing for their next destination, pushing, barging, with hard glazed stares; feeling this sparking the same disconnected hard edge of energy in myself too..  In London and the cities especially, this fierce competition, women working at the front line of it, fighting tirelessly to get the same breaks and equality as their male counterparts; needing to play this man’s game to get acknowledged for even being human at times!..

We all have this duality within, masculine and feminine, it’s clear as there are many cross overs of hetro, bi and homo and metro sexual people; gender roles are becoming less and less defined based on the individual (thankfully for those who don’t fit into the standard boxes), men who stay at home with the kids, women who don’t want kids, same sex couples..  There’s space enough for everyone and the sooner we can allow the feminine* to be empowered as equal (in ALL of us, not just those who are physically female), the better the balance of harmony for ALL!

*The intuitive, soft, receptive, dark, wet, curvaceous, gentle and lunar side of life 😉

What I’ve learnt on a Plant Dieta

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Before I embarked on this adventure to diet with a plant, i.e. the drinking of a medicine produced by boiling its bark (or other part of the plant/tree depending on the medicine prescribed for you); I had no idea what I was getting myself in for.

I knew there would be plant ceremonies with the native Ayahuasca on this 2 week retreat, and I knew maybe I’d be eating a clean diet for a while but, I had no idea what I would be getting as a part of the ‘plant-dieta’..

Why do a plant diet/dieta?

When you diet with a plant (also known as a master plant) you are taking on said master plant as a spirit ally, during the plant dieta/diet, you drink a certain amount of the medicine made from this plant (usually a brew from boiled bark or roots, or sometimes it’s put into alcohol) for a set number of days that you have, or that your shaman deems appropriate for you.  In this time, as the plant begins to grow, it also starts healing you; don’t worry, it’s not like you’re going to be taken oven and have a tree growing out of your butt, but rather growing with you energetically and spiritually.

Each plant has different healing properties, they are prescribed based on where you are in life and perhaps what kind of healing you require.  For me, I dieted with a grand tree from the Amazon called Chuchuwasha; I’ve read many different things on it since coming back to the UK but the best correlation I could get between the internet and the wonderful man who was making these medicines out in Peru was that it:

Improves energy (and yes it certainly has for me!  I’ve not felt so good in at least 10 years!), helps decision making and finding ones centre.  Heals scars, heals hernias, colds, burns and it’s used to heal arthritis or rheumatism too.

What does it entail?

As I mentioned before, you need to drink the medicine of this plant for an amount of time (I was in dieta for 12 days with it), at given amounts and times of the day.  For me, this was 1/3 of a small glass 3 times a day, 30 minutes before each meal.  I won’t lie, it tasted foul.  It sometimes also had big gloopy bits, which I tried to drink, but one bit was bigger than my mouth so I had to use it as a medicine for the wildlife outside my tambo (traditional jungle sleeping hut). *gag* gracias medicina *gag*

chuchuDifferent shamans will have different regimes, ours was pretty strict, during dieta when drinking our master plants, we were only permitted to eat basic carbs like rice, quinoa, potatoes and oats, no salt, no sugar, no fruit, no dairy and no condiments or spices.  Also allowed were vegetables, salad (but no onions, tomatoes or avocados) and the occasional small, bony river fish; but no oils, no nuts, no seeds, no meat and no legumes.  This is so that the plant you’re cultivating to be your ally doesn’t get disturbed, so it has the best chance to grown within your energy and stay with you for life.

And seeing as spices are out, of course, no alcohol, no chemical products (not even to wash clothes unless it’s done for you – thank you to the beautiful women taking care of me at the centre), no perfumes, no toothpaste, no shampoo, the odd not too strong essential oil is ok, in moderation.  Different master plants also have their different traits and attributes, some are strong and righteous and therefore require you to be very strict with your diet and post-diet; some are more jealous and may cause adverse effects if you wear the fragrance of other plants too much from soaps or other products.  Also, no sex, no touching or hugging each other and no stimulation from playing music (unless with your own instrument), no TV, there was no wifi to offer temptation luckily, no reading unnecessary materials and to include plenty of meditation, writing and reflective time; but no masturbation either!  If you smoke, you can buy pure tobacco in Peru, or mapachos, which are used in ceremony for protection and cleansing, but no normal tobacco or cigarettes, leave out the chemicals..

It’s important to adhere to how you’ve been advised as not only can it damage the diet and your bond with your plant but it can make you feel really unwell and some say can fire back at your shaman and make them unwell too.  The no touching part and no TV etc is because during dieta you are extremely sensitive and open; you are open to take on the energy of others, which more than likely will not serve you; and of course, you may be dieting with a more jealous master plant!  Nature is the best place to be.  There was minimal electricity at the centre, only a small amount of solar power which I occasionally used to charge my phone to know the time relative to when was dinner/medicine time or upon waking during the night to know how long it’d be until sunrise!

At this centre I also mentioned the work with ayahuasca, wow, this kind of work is never compulsory but I’ve found it deeply profound in helping me to realise or remember several things about who I really am, what I want out of life and even how I can go about changes in myself to align more with the greater good.  The ceremonies are the part where you recieve a shed load of information, remove a few layers of dirt from your internal mirror and re-calibrate where you’re at in life, major reset and healing time.

Thankfully at the retreat centre, everything to do with food is done for you, the expert chefs/muma/sister feed you abundantly on the foods you can eat and ensure you don’t get confused with the food which may be being eaten by non-dieting people who visit the centre; I wish I had planned in to do my post-dieta there too.

What I’ve learnt on a plant dieta?

What I’ve learn on this plant dieta, combined with the interspersed ayahuasca ceremonies (not having them every day is perfect, they require a lot of energy and thus also some proper restoration time after), is about how I received so much energy, so much clarity, healing, and discernment. I had been working with low energy levels for going on 10 years now, major problems with my intestines and digestion and large amounts of anxiety; I feel the power and the spirit of this tree is now a part of me, I feel stronger and more able to take on the world again; even from the position of living in the opportunity mecca of London.

Not only that, but I also reconnected to myself and nature.  The environmental settings are key.  By the second day a big part of me wanted tobobbinsana leave, I was sh*t scared of the hairy caterpillar farm which was a part of my tambo, the spiders who showed up in my mosquito net and all the noises of things I’d never met before.  Not knowing if I would get bitten by something dangerous or, end up with ants in my pants and more than just mosquito bites on my ass, arms and ankles..  Being reassured that there was nothing lethal around me I began to get used to the ants, I stopped trying to kill all the creepy crawlies and instead got to know them, saw them simply moving about their business and neither of us needing to hurt the other.  This is a BIG and ongoing lesson for me..

Combined with the ayahuasca ceremonies I managed to shed a lot of accumulated energies which weren’t mine, and were just weighing me down.  I can now see a lot bigger perspective and a lot more clearly about where I end and another begins, and where we are all actually inseparable.

What now?

So now, I am during my 3rd week post-dieta which means I still have another 10-20 days of restrictive diet to really allow chuchuwasha to settle in my system and also not to shock my system with too many strong foods or products.  I’ve noticed if I do accidentally disturb the diet (having cold water if you’d believe it) or am exposed to the London commute too intensely, that I really feel it.  It’s difficult integrating into ‘normality’, but to be honest, I don’t want to get back to what I previously felt was normal.  We overfill our bodies with refined sugar and weird fats derived and synthesised from all sorts of insanity, repress emotions, and agree to be a part of a jumble of people exuding their disdain for life – no more.  I have no desire to be mindlessly drunk or to suppress any part of me.  The main thing I miss is sex and chocolate (I’m talking 100% organic, farm assured cacao baby), 13 days and counting until those are back in my life.

Interested?

I’m open for questions if anyone else considers on embarking on this incredible, life changing journey.  NOTE: Blog update – it’s taken my some time to process and despite the amazing dieta and healing with beautiful fellow journeyers on this retreat; I renounce my recommendation of this particular centre.  It’s transpired a misplacement of power has occurred, on several occasions.  Unfortunately, many western women (especially blonde) have been pray to shaman who have more ‘power’ then they can handle – unless male, or going in a couple, please seek yourself a FEMALE shaman.  I know an amazing couple who work with medicine who have helped manage this situation with love and understanding, there are always people you can trust, but be sure not to put yourself in a vulnerable space..

Much love, thanks for reading

x

The “L” Vitamin

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Researching about depression for my Nutritional diploma and I came across this.  Wouldn’t you agree?  If not, I prescribe upping your dose and reassess:

Vitamin L (The Love Vitamin)

“..as coined by humanologist, Bethany ArgIsle.  One of the most important nutrients for optimum health is a daily dose (or more) of Love.  This vital human emotion/expression/ experience is necessary for the optimal functioning of people and all of their cells tissues, and organs.  It is found in most of nature – in foods, domestic animals, friends, and family – and is used to heal a wide variety of diseases.  There are no toxic effects, but deficiency can cause a wide range of ailments.. .

.. ..This vitamin acts as the ‘Universal’ vitalizing energy.. ..is particularly important to heart function and the circulation of warmth and joy.  Digestion is very dependent on appropriate doses of vitamin L, as is the function of the nervous system.  Adrenaline, the brain endorphins (natural tranquilizers and energizers), and other hormones are enhanced by vitamin L as well.”

 

Quoting from Staying Healthy with Nutrition, E. M. Haas, M.D. pg149

Big Up Brilliant Corners

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If you’re reading this you probably also know that Brilliant Corners is the home to the Core-Focus Tuesdays Sessions and has been monumental in helping us to launch these beautiful classes, also attended by the Patel men themselves when they’re in town.

Tomorrow they have a hearing to extend the licensing hours for the restaurant to help share the love of this amazing venue and kitchen even further; especially considering the lack of  (well for me at least, I know what I like when it comes to food, drink and vibes) places around which have the same kind of living room, family feel.  Thus, the class tomorrow is intended to share much love and good energy back into our yoga home as the hearing kicks off at 7.00pm – the same time as the class!

If you can’t make the hearing or the class then please hold a space for us and send all the good vibes you can to the boys so we can hope to keep sharing the Brilliant corners good vibes even more!  And if you’ve not tried the food, drinks or the yoga there then why not?!  😉

Much love and prosperity to all. x

Love me, Hate me

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Love me or hate me, why do I feel so strongly about those people who slate me?

“She’s so slim, strong, young, smart, blonde, and not so much fun..

“A mess, a tyrant, uncoordinated, inarticulate and generally obtuse or too acute.”

 

O wow what a state I was in, hating the fact that I’m no longer so thin.

The fact I was born into this skin with little need or want to lie,

Not comprehending it when I call out the hidden in others, but then, I’d end up the one wanting to cry..?

 

I didn’t realise the ability we all possess to lie inside,

I thought everyone wanted to out that lie, to help find a truer peace with which the soul can abide?

But I guess I was wrong, I hold my hands up every time it’s realised and admit this humanness gets the better of me.

 

All that matters now for me, is that I’m honest with myself and express with authenticity,

The only person I need to impress in this life is this one on the higher inside.

Love me, hate me, it’s none of my business in reality…