Anxiety

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This anxiety is gonna eat me up.

Trying just to breath and make it stop.

My intestines wrench and pain,

This pain driving me closer to insane.

All this pain from 1 primary source,

my nerves frying from a mental discourse..

How to quell this anguish I’m just not sure…

Challenges of self love always seem to hit me more.

But, to be in this place,

make the most of this unknowing space..

Trying with my finite mind,

to Trust what to it is still blind..

Too blind for my ego to see,

I feel it threatening my security.

To be secure is not my goal,

but to live fully and be whole..

 

How can something feel so wrong,

These pains are far too strong.

Knowing resistance cause the heat inside,

I continue to reduce my pride.

Wondering where I belong,

Calmly I learn to sing my song..

 

Is it my condition? Or this world we live in?

Maybe I need to go live in a small village in Africa/India. I saw this video of Gabor Maté had been shared just after I wrote the poem below, trying to muddle through the highs and lows that seem to be concurrent with life.. Wasn’t going to post the poem because I don’t want to be judge or pitied by others (so I put it out to Facebook as a trial run, and got an appreciated response,  and thus wanted to share it here too).  I have a feeling it’s not just me and sometimes by sharing your daemons you can let others know you’re on the continuum together. No one is ‘normal’, it’s just our society likes boxes and unless you fit into a box then life can be pretty insane…

fears

I listen, I read, I write
I process, I allow and yet still I fight..
The words of elders resonate about my being, talking of a lighter path which I think I’m seeing..
Is it this human disposition to continuously forget? Or my reason for being, I did not meet yet?
All these offerings of advice, even when wound up all succinct and concise;
in one moment they liberate my soul, in the next, I’m lost and again feel vexed..
Where do I turn when it feels like all I can do is run?
Run away or run to? I’m not sure but I’m oh so confused.
Yet again, the pearls of wisdom flood in from outside. They break the pain and make the clouds subside..
Until, the next thought comes in and crowds my mind again.
I meditate, I mediate, I relax and try not to try… But then I once again break down and cry.

Is it my condition? Or this world we live in?
To label my disposition; dyslexia, dyspraxia, hormonal or autism?..
But what do these tags really define? Am I so different? Or is it just the time?
I hear the wise words loud and clear. I pray that perhaps some ability to manage myself is near.

 

When to go to yoga Vs. When not to go to yoga

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Photo on left curtousy of Miguel Echiveria, Photo right taken by C Suzuki @Froguesthouse, Lima

It comes up relatively frequently for me, as a hunch, intuition or sometimes a humanistic rash judgement, without knowing someone’s full situation first (one reason I wanted to write this, to encourage people to open a dialog more before session starts); thinking someone might had been better off to stay at home.  Or, upon hearing the reason for someone’s absence, feeling maybe it could have helped if they had joined in.  I had a friend/student call me last night with regards to if they ought to join the class or not; they had been sick in bed all day, felt pretty rubbish but were very excited to come to practice; my answer was to stay in bed..  Generally I won’t turn some one away, and intend to not interrupt their process as you never know the kind of day or week that has been had.  Unless it’s a medical condition or, compromising their health or recovery, everyone is welcome; discernment taken by each individual about their own abilities, in each moment with conscious and with clear intentions, not just when a part of the self has become compromised.

Classes tend to be a mixed bag of bodies and souls, bringing your body to class with all it’s nuances is anticipated; but if the nuance/sickness/pregnancy is new and you don’t know how to handle it, then ask your regular teacher and if they can support you in your regular class.  Communicate what you need, then if they aren’t confident to have your best interests at heart, it’s a really good idea to get some help in an/some individual sessions or specialist classes so you are more empowered in your practice.

When it’s a good idea to go to class (even if sometimes you feel a bit lazy, or cold or simply not sure):

  • Exactly that – if it’s cold outside, you’ve got too much on your mind, or if you’re in two minds about going to class, simply move your ass and go!  However,  if it’s your intuition saying no, a firm, deep no, then this is different, and needs to be listened to and respected.  If it’s because you have too much on your mind or feel too ‘busy’ then go, particularly going to yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi or other similar discipline can help your busy mind to function better.  In these modalities of movement where you to meditate on the moment, you allow your subconscious mind to work out all of those things which are bugging your brain.  The more you try to solve a problem which alludes you, the further the answer will be.
  • If you’ve been ill but you’re getting over it.  Clearly, if you’re still bed bound, don’t go and read below.  When you’re mainly healed, it’s important you move your body, and get the lymphatic system flowing and draining properly, moving your muscles allows this to happen much more  effectively.  Laying still will not help you to rid yourself of toxins, and to feel fresher the next day; however if it’s a major illness you’re recovering from take it slowly; if you’ve been out of it for more than a few days, start really easy and make sure your doctor is happy with you rejoining class.  Incorporate plenty of rest, nourishment and water or herbal teas after class, more than likely you’ll feel much better the next day.
  • If you don’t get out much, or trying to manage a condition which perhaps has special needs.  Locate someone who feels good for you, even if you can only gauge it from a trusted friends recommendation, a picture, or a phone call.  If you have issues which mean you might need help or have special needs during a class, talk to the teacher and see if they can facilitate for this and to enable you to make yourself comfortable.  Being a part of a small group of people, in a mindful space, is a really good for body and soul.  If a small group feels too much, book a 1:1 (sometimes can be at your home even), ensure you get a feeling for your guide/teacher first.
  • If your muscles are tight from stress, too much cardio or high impact, mega DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) perhaps.  Get stretching!  Find yoga or Pilates to recentre and realign your body and mind, and help relieve muscle tightness and stiffness.  Muscles need lengthening, not just strengthening, and any good yoga or Pilates class with help you to do both!

When not to go to class:

  • If you’re sick and in bed.  If you’re that sick you need to stay in bed.  If it’s a cold or flu then also consider your class mates and teacher not getting sick too from you (this goes for being in public spaces, in Japan, the sick people are the ones wearing the face masks, might try this one myself if need to be out when have flu!).
  • If you’re in your first trimester of pregnancy or think you might be pregnant, or if you’re undergoing IVF.  At this time class (although other teacher’s opinions will differ), you’re very sensitive, it’s when your body needs all of it’s energy to make a new home for your new baby!  If you are yearning to move, find someone who knows about these times of life and have a 1:1, or if they run classes ask them if you can join.  If you are advanced and consistent with your practice before your pregnancy, then this might then be different for you.  But when there’s another life at stake, I’d always say take the easier and safer option, for the first trimester at least.  If you are advanced and can’t afford a 1:1 – perhaps gentle home practice is better than a vinyasa high energy class, maybe pregnancy classes or at least get some basic advice about how to adapt BEFORE you get into any postures or move.
  • If you’ve recently had surgery or are being looked after by a doctor (heart, bone, blood, nerve, brain, respiratory, hormonal, digestive lymphatic issues, everything!) and not been signed off yet.  I’ve sadly turned people away from classes for this kind of thing, it feels rubbish to do..  Unless you’re signed off, then you’re still fragile and your body needs to be kept resting, if you must move about, ask your doctor what you can do now, and always, always tell your instructor or teacher about things when you return to class or sessions.
  • If your gut, heart or intuition simply tells you not to.  Because you’re going out drinking, isn’t an excuse.  But if you feel it deep to your core not to go, never override these instincts; it’s usually the first instinct which is best as it is unadulterated by the mind.  We’ve been taught for too long to ignore these instincts, it’s important to allow this sense of self to blossom within, it can save much time, effort and pain if we can listen to ourselves better!

I have eyes

eyesMetro

I have eyes and I know you can see,

You have eye so why not look at me?

Look into my eyes and maybe you’ll see,

I’m not as bad as your mind has painted me..

 

I’m not a stranger,

I mean you no danger.

Take a glance in my eyes,

And I, you will recognise.

 

Look into my eyes and you may see, more than this body, hair and battered dignity..

 

See into my open eyes,

And you’ll see more than the distractions outside.

Look into my eyes as you barge past me,

Maybe you’ll be kinder next time, recognising our shared humanity..

 

Why can you not look?  Why do you not see!?

 

Are you too cool, too trendy or just too busy?..

LOOK at the real person you discard as you disregard and push past me.

Drop the front, the o so serious  act,

Seriousness will kill you quicker, that’s a fact!

Or is it pain, which keeps your gaze far from near?

Avoiding my eyes to hide some embedded fear..

 

We’re all tired, hungry, fed up, and want to be else where,

But how to not let this hurt rebound on another, acting as if we don’t care?

You care if I barge past you, or accidentally step on your shoe.

I care if you do the same to me too,

Unless; we share that kind glance,

Make recognition of each others existence.

 

Or, do you misinterpret my intention?  The real reason I look to spark this connection..

 

To glance into each others eyes,

To let our souls connect without guise,

Showing ones self ones own true reflection,

It’s a different kind of affection..

Think of the power for all to be made,

If when standing next to you, we let the disconnections fade..

 

————————————————————————–

When I first moved to London no one believed at first I was English because of my choice to smile and be friendly on the underground.  Over the years I’m finding it hard to keep up.  But, I can’t just let my spirit die with the daily grind, the human spirit is stronger than that!  The Pink Floyd lyrics comes to mind: “Together we Stand, Divided we Fall”

If we can’t come together when standing next to each other on a train or in the street then how?   Smile.  It’s free and it releases endorphins.  🙂

 

 

Do I do it for me, or for you?..

formeoryou

The conflict, or the reflection about doing what you need to do to fulfill yourself, whilst being conscious about the needs of others.

The ultimate internal dilemma I (and maybe you) face regularly with regards to, ‘should’ I do this because I want to or ‘should’ I do that because it’s a nice thing to do for An Other..?

Is it about love and our relationship to ourselves and others?  Power dynamics?  Or perhaps emotions, or our sexual energy and desires?  Fulfilling our right to feel certain things?  Or, is it about how we express our needs and receive the communications from others about their needs or desires?  As with everything one experiences in life, it’s all down to our perception..

Yet, with so many questions how can a decision ever be confident?

Truth being, we only do things for others if there is some kind of selfish motive in there somewhere anyway, even if this is as innocent as enjoying the warm feeling you get when you make someone else smile.  Also, if we’re not doing something which benefits us in some way; how can we 1) know it is really going to benefit An Other (only they know what’s best for them..) and 2) how will we ever get what we need?

If we fulfill ourselves does that mean we also have more energy and impetus to give when An Other asks?

Follow your heart..

Much Love x

The Gift of Teaching

 Teaching

It’s such a privilege to be able to teach anyone anything; the art of sharing by example (we’re all teachers of some form or another).

My aim for teaching is to offer my perspective on how I live with regards to what has bought me the most growth and/or joy, with the simple intention to highlight things to individuals which may promote growth and inspiration in their core.  To me, teaching is an offering, an offering of what one has in their soul, something one feels is worth sharing for the benefit of others.

Trial and error is one of the biggest teachers and no one can substitute ones own internal guru; however when our internal guru may become cloudy or a bit bogged down, I’ve always been grateful for having another’s pointing me in some direction so that I may again, find my way (even if at the time my ego may have hated them for it!).

Much love and gratitude to all those who continually keep shining a light on my path and who allow me to shine a light on theirs.

 

Namaste xx

Suppressing Expressing

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I can’t stand to look at their faces,

Avoid absorbing all the pain out in these places.

 

Why do they have to look like that?

I wonder why that guy is so fat?

That girl is well skinny, more like a rake.

O yes and she’s another covered in fake.

Why’s that guy’s face so red, and her eyes all black?

I’m not sure what their doing to make themselves look like that..

 

What are they eating?  What are they wearing?

What on Earth is it that they’re hearing?

 

Why everyday do I go out of my way

To suppress what I feel someone must say?

Why are you unhappy?  Why are you so sad?

There’s not an ounce in you that can be all that bad..

 

Your body may be heavy but your eyes still seem bright;

Please now reconsider this ridiculous fight.

The fight with yourself and the fight with your heart;

Do you not realise that you can’t live apart?

Your heart knows the truth, it’s easy you’ll see;

Let down your guard to who it’s urging you to be.

 

What we give we get back,

It is as easy as that.

Dominate, control,  and selfish greed;

Lusting after unnecessary ‘need’;

Give out sh*t, and that’s all we see.

Completely missing how amazing life can be..

 

 

Peace, Love, Shine

Breaking out of my box

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All this rage keeps welling up inside of me;

longing, desiring, KNOWING I am to be FREE.

Drag myself out of bed, stumble into the door,

Stick on some coffee, But still I need more.

 

So I stretch, bend, shaking out the sleep from last night,

And all those days, months, years, decades where they’ve made us fight..

“Be better than him, do more than her.

You’re going to need more money that one can occur!”

 

Force feed, watching the clock;

Wanted to be mindful here and not just fill up,

Over filling, compensating,

For the love that seems to just keep hating –

 

Hating the job, the rat race commute,

No body to hear my major dispute.

All day sitting in that chair,

The state of my body leading me into despair..

Everyone obey, with orderly strife.

Still winding up no closer to life.

 

Wanting to contribute to the world, dying to help;

These tools at my finger tips but no time while playing in this hell.

The duty -doody, the job we need to have to pay each bill

Doody = the crap that just makes me unwell.

I want to contribute, I really want to help,

But I know now, this must start with myself.

 

What is the gift I really need to receive?

What is the thing which can only be given by me?

I feel the peace we can all achieve,

Without everyday having to grieve.

Grieve for the love that we need not deceive,

Grieve for places we hope we can see.

 

Tension, anger, fear and doubt;

Is this what life is really about??

I’m not buying into that sh*t anymore,

Life is EXCITING, and it’s knocking at the door!

 

Expanding and living, feeling the love from within.

Stop wasting, instead tasting,

The the kind of world you want your family in.

 

Tune in, get livin’

😉