Tag: Flow

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Friday 13th, Unlucky for Some

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Friday 13th, Freaky Friday.  I have never really understood why.

Some people are superstitious of numbers, some of black cats, some of walking over a certain number of drains; and others even more crazy things.

This Friday 13th marks a D day for me, D as in Divorce.  The BIG D, especially at age 33, I never expected this to be happening for me.

However, I don’t see this as a freaky day, or a bad day.  I see this as the end of an era to be celebrated.  I couldn’t have married a better person, it’s just a shame that we live in very different worlds which were only able to align (or collide as one may see it) for a short time.

I’ve had the opportunity to be with my ex’s name for over 5 years now.  Not sure of what name I’ll be wearing next year.  But. on my way to finalise paperwork, on today, Friday the 13th, I grasp how lucky I’ve been.

Uncivil divorces and breakups being rife, and a standard set about decent people and not accepting less.  I have accepted less, and more in some ways, in the past 2 years since we separated.  But, it’s great to reflect and accept some of my own flaws as well as basic standards which need to be met when it comes to letting someone intimately into one’s life.  Those amazing ex’s, they are the ones which make me feel lucky that I know what I’m worth, the others I can chalk up to experience.

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Cry [Me] a River, to Be the Best You Who Can Be

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You know those times when you feel yourself welling up?  But, you’re brave and strong; perhaps you’re in public, so you hold back the tears.  You think about something else or tell yourself “it doesn’t matter” or “Not again, I thought I’d be over that by now”, or “cry baby, suck it up!”; and so it goes on…  You’re attempting to not cry a river!

Whenever you stop yourself from crying; psychologically, emotionally, and physiologically you’re further damning, i.e. building bigger and higher that dam, which blocks you from having to feel those emotions.   So, you stop yourself crying and you’re building that wall up a few bricks more, every time you need to hold back those floods.  Every time you don’t allow the flow/motion of your energy and to let yourself feel, there’s that little bit more dissociation from what’s behind your pain, as well as what elates you.

Overwhelmed?

When a person is overwhelmed, it can feel like it will overwhelm all of the people and the structures downstream.  Depending on the setting and qualities of those people, it may do.  Or it may be that you are overwhelmed and need to put it somewhere outside of yourself.  Instead of bottling it up, look for a ‘safe’ space, and reliable, flexibly minded people,  A process-oriented/relational therapist is the BEST investment I’ve ever made, ever – but I realise that this may not be within everyone’s means. Thus, we can unload this eventual mounting energy front, in a way that we and those close to us can tolerate downstream. Cry a river in a safe space.  Everyone has their challenges, but sometimes by communicating our challenges, it can let those we love that little bit closer.

Weak?

But does crying make you weak?  There is nothing further from the truth.  To let oneself cry a river is powerful, and hard.  Being distracted by Netflix, weed, parties, South Park, shopping, Facebook, or [insert other external focus here] is easy. To sit and dig deep; to bring up the deepest pains takes much strength and courage.

All those hangups, those built-up walls, all the old repressive sayings of “men don’t cry.. ..suck it up..  ..move on!.. ..crying makes you weak..  ..be brave, don’t cry..  ..stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about..  ..dry your tears..”; they’re all blocking your flow.

Blocked Flow?

If your flow is blocked; if you don’t allow your tears and keep building your walls, then you can never get truly through to you.  You’ll keep getting in your way.  Let your tears show you what you need to process, what keeps getting in your way.

If you don’t have a good therapist, or people around you who can help, you’ve got yourself.  You’ve got your gauge of what makes you upset, go into that.  Write about it, make some art, feel it, and remember, this too shall pass.  Draw, write, or cry a river into your natural flow.

LOVE

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Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

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New Year Same Old BS

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It’s been quite refreshing to see different public figures NOT talking about setting new years resolutions, but perhaps I’ve managed to miss it through my lack of engagement with the mainstream media..

A friend asked me this week what super intention I had set for the coming year (yes we use the ‘intentions’ terminology rather than resolution, as to claim not to do something for a year, I’ve learnt, is a pretty lame idea for me, tell me I can’t and I’ll probably have to do it just to break the rules).  My response to this is to continue with the work I started 6 months ago, back in the June/July new moon, it’s all about me.  I’d set the intention after my marriage-rebound relationship break up, as I’d realised my past error of never putting my needs first, and thankfully 6 months on I’m reaping the benefits of having a me centric life.  Yes, there is someone I love and care for deeply in my life (as well as of course my family, friends, clients etc) but I’ll still never change this intention for the world.

My intention is to be the best of me, and to help those close to me to do the same.  EmPower.

Personally, I don’t see the point in trying to stop yourself from doing something ‘bad’ for you, as there is psychology around why we choose to do ‘bad’ things to ourselves or others, and similar to the point I made in my other blog post; if you’re hurting, you’re not going to be good to anyone else, let alone yourself.  I’ve quit smoking by seeing that it hurts me, it hurts my amazing body and these days, I’d rather nourish it than damage it.  It CAN be and IS that simple.  I decided to stop letting people take advantage of me and to express and request my worth, letting my world be all about me and let’s say I’ve never had better relationships with others now too.

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Somatic Unwinding

So far, the experience has been profound.  I’m feeling a need on some level to do some crazy exercise to shake it all up and get back into my past default in questing for muscular strength.  However, having just received a second 1:1 hands on session of Body Mind Centering, from the lead trainer Katy Dymoke, I’m just going to continue to lay on the floor and be with the tangled mess which is my inner body..  This beautifully sweet training, and supporting body work is helping me to unwind the world of pain felt in my body which; I had surrendered to needing to endure forever, now I’m not so sure.

nerves

It’s a crying shame that despite the amount of yoga and Pilates sessions I’ve received that there isn’t more of this information present.  I have just 2 teachers in each discipline whom teach from this perspective.  THIS is what it’s all about, not your abs, your yoga selfies or your legs a kimbo!..  I’m so exhausted, in a good way, hence why this is the only thing I’ve managed to publish through out my so far 2 weeks Somatics training, but more is coming!  Watch this space ..

Day 3 Nervous System, 2nd Session with Katy

Dropping in, listening..

Relearning how to hear.

A deep yearning for these pathways to clear!

To sense in(my)sides,

Of course before sensing the other may fully arise..

Organ support, how to purport?

After a life time of neglect,

6 short years means I’m not quite there yet..

So many feelings, mainly in my gut and head,

To hear, implicitly, impartially,

My body craving this in its totality.

I’m sorry, I’m here now..

No wonder it all hurts, for so long working as a disjunct and abstract organism..

It’s not just you dear muscles, ligaments and bones whom need to hold up this being.

It’s not just you dear organs, fluids and glands, whom cope with digestion, procreation and feeling..

As, all together, a synergy can persist,

Allowing ease, strength and harmony to exist.

Crossed messages, fibres and pain,

Never again can I move the same..

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Want to Secure the Future?

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I just want to secure the future,

To reassure my steady and continuous flow..

Like it’s something I can and want to control,

The settling “it’ll be OK” type of information my mind craves to know..

 

Total contradictory,

Unknown trajectory.

Trying to be smart,

Abstract of heart.

 

Magic occurring where the discomforts arise;

Learning not how to plan and play safe,

But to surf, navigate and appreciate..

 

All can never be calculable,

Except in the mind of the fool..

So to let go of trying to know,

Letting go into your unique and magical flow..

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Flow Forwards..

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If water doesn’t flow it stagnates.  You can’t drink stagnant water, it becomes toxic.  Just like water, if we stand still we’ll stagnate.  Some of the hardest lessons can be to let go of the familiar.

Letting go of stable jobs, ideals for how you saw yourself living, people, places, things..  By holding on to the edges, or those things you need to surpass, you limit the flow in life and in essence, deteriorate, loose vitality..  Allowing the rawness of new  territories, fully feeling the flow cannot only be painful but liberating..

2 years ago I left my cushy office job.  I had fantastic bosses, space to do handstands in the kitchen, easy work, good pay and walked to the office in no time from my studio flat.  It was amazing.  All except the fact that I had a constant deep gut feeling that I didn’t belong there (that and the fact I was the only one who would practice yoga in the office space, why not?.. ).  It was far from easy but it was simple.  I ended up landing a lot of new work very quickly under the wing of an amazing woman who needed lots of help with her work, it got me started..   It’s beautiful when you trust and let go into the flow, nothing can stop you!  It’s that trusting to let go part which is the hardest..

If it excites you, you’re on to a good thing for your flow..  If there are still too many obstacles which you cannot yet clear, then there is something still not right for that particular alignment.  You can only make the move if you really believe in yourself and what it is you are sharing, confidence helps, a lot (even if it’s only based on a feeling of it’s do or die!).

2 Months ago I left my marriage.  My wonderful adoring husband, someone who loved me more than I had experienced anyone else loving me.  But again, it didn’t feel right.  Although I was growing in other areas of my life I felt I had stagnated in my relationship, thus realised it was time to get back into the flow.  This decision was not made overnight but there were signs that it was no longer right for me.  The self-doubt I was carrying felt crippling, how could I leave someone who loved me so much?..  Someone so professionally and personally grand; such a fantastic human being..  Was I mad?..  Heightened insecurities creeping in at every opportunity, the stagnation of my situation further feeding into making it even harder to feel the clarity about leaving or not.  Learning to find my centered space is what was ultimately the key, finding that central channel which connects self to source..  I couldn’t have done it without once again tuning into my flow..

Less than 2 weeks ago I left my home!  MY home, with a separate yoga room I would teach classes, clients and workshops from; MY kitchen and bathroom (shared with your partner doesn’t really count I feel ha), my space, my front door..  It was comfortable but again I could feel myself stewing in there..  This was of course an inevitable part of what had happened earlier, but life was raw enough..  Trying to find a place to live in London ain’t much fun, consider the rat race on steroids is how I view the rental market here..  I found yet more of myself and my centre through this process, one easy and convenient option found me, after nearly pushing it away due to it being TOO easy I realised further about ALLOWING the flow within my life..

Like the work which just came up (and the angel(s) who provided it!), the room which was just so, making the decision I had been toying with for some time, it is all about the flow.  But without your centre, your flow isn’t your own, it can be pulled and pushed and [unintentionally] manipulated to help your environment rather than your soul and that, is unsustainable.

Over this time my yoga practice has been changing a lot too – much more about bringing everything back in, I save the acrobatics for other types of training now..  For me this helps.  If you’re in tempestuous times, have decisions to make or waves to ride, just remember, find your centre and you’ll find your flow.  If you can’t find your centre find yourself a good yoga or meditation teacher, book, or whatever else resonates for you..