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Guided full moon Harp meditation

Guided meditation to your inner peace this full moon..

Step out of the city and into the house of peace.. 

The infamous Alina will be playing her Harp,  in accordance with Christine leading you through a journey of nourishment and rebalancing, guiding the mediation. 

No past experience necessary, arrive where you’re at and leave where perhaps you’d prefer to be in your mind, body and energy.
03/12/2017

3.00pm – 4.15pm

Englefield road, Islington 

Contact Christine (christinesamanthasuzuki@gmail.com) or Alina (info@alina-harpist.com) for more information.

Very limited places! 

As this is a 1 off, special collaboration between Alina and Christine, donations are welcome to fund future projects.
Thank you 

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Cry [Me] a River, to Be the Best You Who Can Be

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You know those times when you feel yourself welling up?  But, you’re brave and strong; perhaps you’re in public, so you hold back the tears.  You think about something else or tell yourself “it doesn’t matter” or “Not again, I thought I’d be over that by now”, or “cry baby, suck it up!”; and so it goes on…  You’re attempting to not cry a river!

Whenever you stop yourself from crying; psychologically, emotionally, and physiologically you’re further damning, i.e. building bigger and higher that dam, which blocks you from having to feel those emotions.   So, you stop yourself crying and you’re building that wall up a few bricks more, every time you need to hold back those floods.  Every time you don’t allow the flow/motion of your energy and to let yourself feel, there’s that little bit more dissociation from what’s behind your pain, as well as what elates you.

Overwhelmed?

When a person is overwhelmed, it can feel like it will overwhelm all of the people and the structures downstream.  Depending on the setting and qualities of those people, it may do.  Or it may be that you are overwhelmed and need to put it somewhere outside of yourself.  Instead of bottling it up, look for a ‘safe’ space, and reliable, flexibly minded people,  A process-oriented/relational therapist is the BEST investment I’ve ever made, ever – but I realise that this may not be within everyone’s means. Thus, we can unload this eventual mounting energy front, in a way that we and those close to us can tolerate downstream. Cry a river in a safe space.  Everyone has their challenges, but sometimes by communicating our challenges, it can let those we love that little bit closer.

Weak?

But does crying make you weak?  There is nothing further from the truth.  To let oneself cry a river is powerful, and hard.  Being distracted by Netflix, weed, parties, South Park, shopping, Facebook, or [insert other external focus here] is easy. To sit and dig deep; to bring up the deepest pains takes much strength and courage.

All those hangups, those built-up walls, all the old repressive sayings of “men don’t cry.. ..suck it up..  ..move on!.. ..crying makes you weak..  ..be brave, don’t cry..  ..stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about..  ..dry your tears..”; they’re all blocking your flow.

Blocked Flow?

If your flow is blocked; if you don’t allow your tears and keep building your walls, then you can never get truly through to you.  You’ll keep getting in your way.  Let your tears show you what you need to process, what keeps getting in your way.

If you don’t have a good therapist, or people around you who can help, you’ve got yourself.  You’ve got your gauge of what makes you upset, go into that.  Write about it, make some art, feel it, and remember, this too shall pass.  Draw, write, or cry a river into your natural flow.

LOVE

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Yet Again the Yoga Practice Creeps Up On Me

Some of you will know, some won’t. I’ve been in rehab since May, it was a ‘special’ start to the year and I’m still recovering; although I think this rehab (basic rest and recovery in many facets of life) span is capturing and restoring my body, energy and such from a much deeper and older set of wounds.

Today I awoke with the sun, I have black out style curtains but still, the sun bought me up with him, therefore giving me an hour or so to practice before work. During the past 5 months I’ve practiced physical yoga perhaps twice, kind of, as my injuries have been too loud otherwise.

As I practice simply Uttansana, Trikonasana, Parsvottonasana I get more richness than perhaps ever before. I realise once I’m done, that I’ve been practicing yoga all along, it’s that I’ve been working on the first 2 limbs of the yamas and niyamas. It’s in these first 2 limbs, before the asan, ie physical practice as most people know yoga, that we work on how we treat ourselves in respect to our individual person and in respect to being in society. This is where the foundations are laid.

I read this week about someone criticising yoga for being too self-indulgent and too much of an industry and, I couldn’t agree more. However, IF we all taught as teachers or were taught as students more on these first 2 limbs before the acrobatics (I don’t do acrobatics for my practice by the way, it’s just not for me), I think yoga may have a better vibe, feeling and presence within our o so needy global community right now, especially here in the West.

Thank you yoga practice and teachers, no word of a lie, it really did save and is transforming my life, a little more each and every day x

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Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

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Confidence at the heart of it

confidence

Confidence, has a lot to answer for..

I used to get so embarrassed about messing up what I was saying and teaching in front of a class, which in turn would make me stumble more and more over my words and delivery.  Especially when in front of a new group of people (teaching or otherwise).

I’d chastise myself for messing up, cursing the dyslexia, my nerves and my decision to choose a job so demanding for the confidence I was lacking.  Nearly 6 years on, I thought I was pretty ok with confidence, well with teaching I’m a lot better, but in personal situations, I seem to have regressed some how (thinking perhaps I haven’t regressed but become more aware of what past awkward feelings and missed interactions have been all about).  This few months rehab period, has been just the ticket to digest and process those difficult interactions and feelings, which I’d previously pushed or distracted out of my way.  It’s left me acknowledging and accepting whole new parts of myself, uncovering different layers where massive confidence issues were lying in wait, to come up and sabotage my interactions with the world at any step..  “You can’t do that..  ..They don’t like you..  You’re weird.. ..People will laugh at you.. ..You don’t have the xxx for that”  I’m sure there’s a lot more you could write here.

Last week I was walking to the tube and passed this guy, he rushed past but seemed to want to say ‘alright?’ to me.  I’d met this guy in the tattoo shop a few months before, we had chatted a lot and he asked for my number.  I wasn’t that interested in him, but having just split up with my ex, I was happy for a distraction and a boost in my confidence from his attention; he was well dressed and spoke well, so why not?  We kept trying to make a date but we were both hard to pin down.  But 2 weeks before last we accidentally met on the street, he expressed keenness to meet up, said he’d message me.  I was on my way back from work at the time, wearing trackie Bs, a baggy jumper and had freshly washed so totally fluffy and crazy hair.  He didn’t ever text me after that, or respond to the text I sent him.  This left me feeling shit, as I already was hating the way I looked that day, well, most days my hair is unruly and sticks out, so most days have been a challenge to completely like the woman in the mirror.

On the train, just after this most recent sighting, my phone was on shuffle for a chillaxed playlist and a meditation came on, it’s about sitting with challenging thoughts/feelings and then dropping into the body to witness how they resonate there. My thoughts were around feeling unattractive and messy, nearly 33 years old and still, unable to master my own hair (and wardrobe at times).  I know I’m fundamentally beautiful but, the world is a harsh place, and not being one of those people who take extra time to make their appearance perfect (or are blessed with easy hair lol), I see the way some people look at or treat me on occasion. I mean, I take great care of myself from the insides out, ensuring my natural attributes are shining; just don’t ask me to straighten my hair everyday, wear fake lashes, tan, etc.

During the mediation, dropping into my body, it was the front of my left, slightly tighter, and lesser functioning shoulder which spoke up; it rounds forwards a bit more than the other, like when you’re hiding a bit from the world and trying to look small.  In Yoga, the left side also relates to the feminine side of you, and it’s this for which I’ve sometimes been ashamed of, not being as well polished or feminine, as much I notice in others or how I used to be at 16.

By identifying that sense, and breathing with it, I was accepting my differences.  Accepting that I don’t want to spend an extra hour getting ready like when I was a teenager, I am enough with my nourished skin, and fine golden hair.  I see all the ads with the models looking great, after 3-4 hours of make up and styling, I choose not to buy into it, and to not be ashamed of myself for it anymore.

If someone wants to judge me for how I look, then I’m happy not knowing them.  Seeing now, how I had put the power of my confidence in someone else’s unwilling and unworthy hands..

By the time I’d arrived at work I felt a lot better, acknowledging and accepting feelings which felt so difficult just one hour before.  I went to teach and I know people always love my classes (the regulars at least), but still I give myself a hard time for not being fun, strong, clear or creative as I want to be. But this realisation and meditation on accepting my crisis in confidence, let me teach without giving myself such a hard time, and everything flowed with much more ease.

We need to be our own best friends rather than worst enemies – if we took out our internal dialog and heard it through the tongue of another person; is that the type of person we’d be friends with?

 

Then I remember, I am who I am, and I accept myself.
I sometimes feel insecure, and I accept myself.
I feel a mess at times, and I accept myself.
I would rather be chilled than always preening, and I accept myself.
I am beautiful as I am, and I accept myself..

 

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Cleanse and Detox

Cleanse and Detox.  The words cleanse, detox, diet, for some can be quite emotive, even scary, or a potential joy for remedying digestive issues.  What you eat, drink and inhale, literally forms the building blocks of your body, therefore, it’s important to know how to help your body to swap some of the shady, polluted or diseased blocks with healthy ones to keep the body functioning optimally.  Not a lot of people are aware of how joined up our emotional states are to what we eat; it still surprises me when I talk to people who aren’t nutrition aware about how powerless they believe they are for their own state of health through what they eat and drink, think diabetes, cancer, skin conditions, arthritis to name but a few conditions which can be both caused and remedied using food.  Your body is super intelligent, give it good fuel and it’ll work the rest out!

I’ve tried pretty much every diet going, from the ketogenic to the vegan, paleo, low fat, low sugar, ayurvedic, no carbs, juice, G.A.P.S. (Gut And Psychology Syndrome); I’ve attempted intermittent fasting and dreamt about doing the lemonade, juice, water and a whole host of others cleanses too.  With fasting, I’ve never gotten too far as my BMI is always generally healthy but on the low side and to be honest, with past eating disorders, I don’t think this is something I want to put myself through (again, lol).  Dieting, wow, trying to heal my gut of Crohn’s, IBS, incessant bloating and skin conditions, that’s why I’ve tried a lot of them.  Before I go any further I’d like to acknowledge that we’re all so different and thus if you find something which works for you, go with that, go with your gut.  It’s only when things aren’t working out and your digestive, mental, emotional, skin and joint health aren’t feeling so good that you can be aware it’s time to change what you’re doing around your diet.  Google define for:

diet noun
 the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.  e.g. “a vegetarian diet”

So by me talking about diet, I don’t mean you go on it only to lose weight or with a short term goal, as even if you’re starting out at 20 Stone, there’s going to be a point at which losing weight is no longer a goal.  Therefore, diet in that case isn’t looking long term and is probably unsustainable as starving yourself to get a goal can only lead to HAnger (Hunger Anger) and falling off the wagon due to being hungry, then eating, punishing yourself, crying, trying again, failing and falling into a trap of disempowerment and buggering yourself up.  With any food, aim to get it as close to it’s natural state as possible, and it’ll have less rubbish in which stresses out your body.  Whole grains, real food, produced by decent farms, being wary of big brands where mass production can dramatically decrease the quality of your ingested building blocks.  Just because an ad or packaging tells you something it’s healthy doesn’t mean it is; there’s a lot of advertising loop holes and if it needs someone to advertise it then clearly it’s not selling itself..  Most diet foods are full of chemicals and synthetic fillers, derived of nutrition and shoddy building blocks for your human organism!  So, have a good diet, and the cleanse and detox are a part of it, with less need to starve yourself or drink psyllium husks for a week.

The cleanse and detox I’m on at the moment involves:

  • Cutting the crap.  Phase it out to start, then simply, cutting foods which are processed, containing refined sugar, fake table salt and E numbers.  Also, alcohol, caffeine except a treat green tea if going out.
  • Switching to Fish, Olive, Coconut and flaxseed oils, reducing vegetable, sunflower, canola oils and animal fats.
  • Eating FRESH food everyday, cut up real veggies; make soups, salads, steam things, stirfries.  For animal protein (if you eat it) then eat fresh fish, lean poultry, eggs (if you can tolerate them), minimally so as to not over load your system during this time.  Make soup out of chicken with the bones in.
  • Having a large vegetable juice every day, on an empty stomach, adding wheatgrass powder, incrementing how much each week (up to 20g).
  • Being mindful of portion size, stop eating when full and save left overs for later.  Not being worried to clear the plate.
  • Probiotics, probiotics, probiotics!  In capsule, sauerkraut, kefir, kombucha, natto, miso, which ever but take a little bit with each meal to aid friendly bacteria and digestion.
  • Drink plenty of water or herbal teas.

So my cleanse and detox is pretty much the diet I hope to continue on, but the forward diet being one which has space for the odd night out with my friend gin, or going out for a curry or tea and cake; it just won’t be every week as the healthier I get, the less I want to go back to eating how I know doesn’t make me feel my best.

The more simple the better with diet and cleansing, in my opinion, you just need to know why you’re doing it and the consequences later on.  Trust your gut and think about your whole picture, not just how you want to look on your next beach holiday.

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I Just Don’t Feel Like It

I Just Don't Want To Do It

I Just Don't Want To Do It

I Just Don’t Feel Like It.  Would missing that class be a total abomination of my physique, training, or education?  Would not going out with my friends, making me a bad friend, a recluse, or to never meet my match?..  What happens when I don’t feel like doing what’s on the agenda?   Would missing all those things affect me in a negative way?

So far, by ditching what I don’t feel like (even if it’s a last minute change of heart) and taking the time to listen to what I do want to do; I’ve gained ridiculous energy for other, previously neglected areas of my life.  For example, finding new interests, fixing my bike, contact with family and old friends, taking better care of myself, and more in depth research into the niggles which have been bothering me for years.

The I Just Don’t Feel Like It scenario I’ve recognised when working with clients too, as I work partially in the fitness industry, and it’s here people want to be pushed and pushed to achieve and do more.  You name it, it’s on the table, better buns, abs, biceps, smaller waist..  I don’t consider my teaching as fitness per se, but Pilates and yoga are both tied up in it in our society, and I’ve been constantly doubting if I push my clients enough, especially in group classes..  My thinking is, if you have the energy there to pay attention and apply yourself to a situation, THEN You’ll do the work, if you don’t, then maybe take the time to rest?  Give your best to a situation you feel like applying yourself to, though this might be hardcore napping or having tea with friends. I’d suggest, anything that isn’t wasting energy by staring into a screen..  Work with good form, not in a half assed kinda gonna do something..  In my opinion, that’s just time wasting.

Why can’t we do our best and when we need to, take a rest so we can evaluate if we need to keep going or, change track?  Why do we have to run ourselves into the ground and rely on caffeine, supplements and other people to get us going?  Why can’t we tune into our innate intelligence and realise what it is that we do have energy for?

The more we leave ourselves to NOT do the things we don’t feel like, the more we come to understand WHAT it is that we do feel like doing.  When you keep doing things because you think you ‘should’, they act as distractions from the things which may otherwise ignite our enthusiasm to be proactive and get out into the world; however that looks for each individual.   It might feel a bit messy at first, but trust yourself, that if you don’t feel like doing something or going somewhere, then there’s another part of life waiting for you to discover it..  Of course, this isn’t going to work for everyone, I’m still investigating what it is when people are so called ‘Lazy’, as I’ve never been considered as lazy, to me it seems like hardcore procrastination; perhaps fear based, but that’s a whole other topic..

I’d love to hear any comments…

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The Way ‘back?’ to Health

The way back to health, or is that, the way to health?  As I’m not sure I’ve been at my best yet..

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Having visited the M&S at Westfield recently, I bought up as many carrots, organic cucumber, organic spinach, lemons, ginger and a couple of other veggies as I could carry, and it’s brought up some questions.

I stand at the check out, my shopping all veggies, lemons and some organic milk to make my kefir with and look around to everyone else’s containing bread, cakes, chocolate, sausages, ice-cream, potato salad and it reminds me of my cravings, when I’ve been at my most unwell.  When you’re healthy sure, enjoy these things on the odd occasion (if your taste desired them when you are healthy is another question!) but if these are in your everyday?..  How was I surviving before?  Why is it that I used to eat so much which I now know can cause me pain and discomfort?

About this time last year, I was getting into good health, bone broth, Kefir, juices (some but not done right for me I now realise), but I let this go due to some personal reasons.  Now, I’m bloated, always tired, have a foggy head, and seem to have intolerance to eating a LOT of different foods (I.e. pain from too much citrus or other fruits, eczema and random spots, constipation and bloating from other seemingly healthy eats, bacteria and yeasts having a party on my insides!), enough is enough.

Detoxes are at a plenty out there but to be honest, my gut instinct is that these aren’t all for me (having a super active job).  Now, the words diet and detox can trigger some pretty whacky or scary ideas.  I’ve had issues eating enough and too much, in the past and detoxes seem to send my sensitive system into shut down, so this time I doing things differently.  If you want to read my definition of a cleanse or a detox, clicky here.

Diet is about the way you eat, not a fad you do for a week or two.  Detoxes don’t have to mean starving yourself, but they do mean having discipline to not intoxicate your system with what can cause it to become disrupted in the first place..

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Autumn has come Early for Me this Year

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Autumn has come early for me this year, the summer fun has been overdone..  Yesterday I acknowledged a realisation about the disconnect between head, heart and gut. I recognise this isn’t a issue for some but also that there is a set of us whom find the art of living according to how we feel, that bit harder to hear. Perhaps that’s what I recognise sometimes when there’s a group of ‘yogis’ enter the studio, and I feel a real sense of discord, i.e. some of these people arriving are also feeling such a disconnect..?

The first 4 months of this year seemed to be a constant battle between my head and my heart. I could feel my head trying to get me out of destructive threads, threatening what I’d built at work, home, with friends and in my bank account. Yet my heart wouldn’t let go of wanting to love and be loved, although my gut knew this was all external to myself and therefore somehow still lacking.. I ignored my gut, and went mainly with my heart, until it was that I landed up in hospital; my gut was pissed I’d been disregarding it’s intuitive whispers.

I can hear my heart and it’s fear about stepping out of the romance game for anytime. I can hear my head telling me to keep working for both income and, the physical strength I’ve worked so hard to build up. However, the pleas of my gut (the one I thought I’d ‘fixed’ by probiotics bone broth and healthy eating) now resound louder than ever. Again bloated, inflamed gut and spine, imbalances through out, skin pathologies, intolerant to more and more foods..  It’s time to retreat.

Autumn has come early for me this year. It’s time to retreat and heal from all this head and heart madness.  Those educated in the gut know it rules, from the immune system, the emotions, processing the building blocks of health or rubbish we feed into it to build our cells. Yet, even the word, gut, it’s not sexy, not pretty, makes you think of..? It’s association with defecation and the less attractive traits displayed, generally it’s hidden, vacuum sealed up and shamed..  It’s the most primal and natural part of us, yet why can it be so hard to connect with?

However, in this retreat, the one and only rule is, my gut is allowed to lead the show for the next 6 weeks, I feel with the issues it presents and neglect it’s endured; it’s time I listen and keep the head and the heart on the back burner to rest their voices for a few weeks too. I’ve been juicing for 5 days now (and including regular balanced and nutritious food, just juice and raw doesn’t work for my predominantly vata body type) and including a few extra supplements to really give my body the chance to heal. Thus, if I’m not at festivals, parties, social gatherings please don’t find me rude; I’m on an early drawing in, autumn retreat, some time just for me.

 

xx

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An acknowledgement to kind people

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Kindness.  Nothing less..

When I was about 17 I was starting to get closer to a long time flirting, high school time sweet heart. Within a couple of weeks, I cheated on him with his good friend, in his place.  I was drunk and stupid, had no idea what I wanted out of a relationship.  Since then, I’ve done a lot of growing up and much therapy work, and thus realise, there’s different end goals you can aim for with relationships, it isn’t about just sex, or a enduring a dull, drab monotony.  Yes, I was a pretty, a hem, very, confused teenager (kinda normal huh..?).

He was angry, but in the long run, I remember this high school sweetheart still being kind to me, and at least treating me like a human, despite my error in actions.

This is one story of many about the people who I’ve acted unkind, selfish or in other ways suboptimally to, when I was younger; and yet, I still received kindness (not to be mistaken for being a pushover, he ditched me there and then, clearly!) from.

It’s funny how now, after having enough of a taste of how that feels, I finally feel like I get the point of being kind… As in, how to and, why one might want to genuinely express kindness. Of course, all spiritual, self-help, religious and other such media profess kindness, but reading about it and consciously acting it feel totally different.

I heard enough times and realised, truly, deeply realised, that you attract what you are and/or what you’re seeking.
Over the years I’ve mostly had great people around me, good energy and such, however, there’s always been that guy and his drama and/or selfishness, or that wild and self-destructive close friend..

I was choosing to have that kind of vibe for my closest relationships, I was being self destructive, treating guys like shit; being a kind person for the most part (debatable!), but, for the deep and meaningful parts, still being quite unkind.

So what’s changed?

Injury, hurt and a lack of kind; plus the flip side of that, being given enough kindness from others. I’m not sure why I was acting in such an mean way, directed both inwards and outwards..  My last relationship was emotionally abusive, it was with a mental guy who’s paranoid and disturbed, mentally controlling and, hearing about his ex’s, if I would’ve stayed around, also physically dangerous too. Although for me, with a tendency to self care too little, the physical damage came all too easily to my sensitive body, through, self neglect.

I was going too fast and kept crashing, not taking time for myself and the more kind, nourishing and nurturing parts and people in my life. But, in hindsight, this was OK. Although yes, of course it would’ve been nice to not have had to endure so much pain to come to this realisation, but the experiences I’ve gained along the way will hopefully keep me in good stead going forwards. If I wouldn’t have had this experience then I wouldn’t be me, and I wouldn’t perhaps be able to connect so well with all those hurt or hurting individuals I know as friends, clients and colleagues.   A friend once said to me, whilst she was telling me a tale about her hard upbringing in South America, “You know, so many people I meet don’t seem to get it, but I can tell you can feel what I’m talking about”, or something along those lines; and this empathy at least for me, makes it all worth it.

So right now, as I nurse my physical (sacrum out of whack, over tight piriformis and hence not able to walk much so back to writing!) and emotional wounds (felt by my enteric/gut nervous system feels a lot of pain, still recovering from past hurt), I’m keen to reflect on how to keep myself free of this extreme self-inflicted need for rehab again…

It’s been the kindness of friends, family, teachers and strangers who have helped me to see how I can get myself together again.
The glimpses of this over the years, when the actions and words of people have exceeded how I treated myself.. When the people I was attracting were perhaps charming on the surface but deep down really hurting and less than loving…