Category: Balance

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Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

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Confidence at the heart of it

confidence

Confidence, has a lot to answer for..

I used to get so embarrassed about messing up what I was saying and teaching in front of a class, which in turn would make me stumble more and more over my words and delivery.  Especially when in front of a new group of people (teaching or otherwise).

I’d chastise myself for messing up, cursing the dyslexia, my nerves and my decision to choose a job so demanding for the confidence I was lacking.  Nearly 6 years on, I thought I was pretty ok with confidence, well with teaching I’m a lot better, but in personal situations, I seem to have regressed some how (thinking perhaps I haven’t regressed but become more aware of what past awkward feelings and missed interactions have been all about).  This few months rehab period, has been just the ticket to digest and process those difficult interactions and feelings, which I’d previously pushed or distracted out of my way.  It’s left me acknowledging and accepting whole new parts of myself, uncovering different layers where massive confidence issues were lying in wait, to come up and sabotage my interactions with the world at any step..  “You can’t do that..  ..They don’t like you..  You’re weird.. ..People will laugh at you.. ..You don’t have the xxx for that”  I’m sure there’s a lot more you could write here.

Last week I was walking to the tube and passed this guy, he rushed past but seemed to want to say ‘alright?’ to me.  I’d met this guy in the tattoo shop a few months before, we had chatted a lot and he asked for my number.  I wasn’t that interested in him, but having just split up with my ex, I was happy for a distraction and a boost in my confidence from his attention; he was well dressed and spoke well, so why not?  We kept trying to make a date but we were both hard to pin down.  But 2 weeks before last we accidentally met on the street, he expressed keenness to meet up, said he’d message me.  I was on my way back from work at the time, wearing trackie Bs, a baggy jumper and had freshly washed so totally fluffy and crazy hair.  He didn’t ever text me after that, or respond to the text I sent him.  This left me feeling shit, as I already was hating the way I looked that day, well, most days my hair is unruly and sticks out, so most days have been a challenge to completely like the woman in the mirror.

On the train, just after this most recent sighting, my phone was on shuffle for a chillaxed playlist and a meditation came on, it’s about sitting with challenging thoughts/feelings and then dropping into the body to witness how they resonate there. My thoughts were around feeling unattractive and messy, nearly 33 years old and still, unable to master my own hair (and wardrobe at times).  I know I’m fundamentally beautiful but, the world is a harsh place, and not being one of those people who take extra time to make their appearance perfect (or are blessed with easy hair lol), I see the way some people look at or treat me on occasion. I mean, I take great care of myself from the insides out, ensuring my natural attributes are shining; just don’t ask me to straighten my hair everyday, wear fake lashes, tan, etc.

During the mediation, dropping into my body, it was the front of my left, slightly tighter, and lesser functioning shoulder which spoke up; it rounds forwards a bit more than the other, like when you’re hiding a bit from the world and trying to look small.  In Yoga, the left side also relates to the feminine side of you, and it’s this for which I’ve sometimes been ashamed of, not being as well polished or feminine, as much I notice in others or how I used to be at 16.

By identifying that sense, and breathing with it, I was accepting my differences.  Accepting that I don’t want to spend an extra hour getting ready like when I was a teenager, I am enough with my nourished skin, and fine golden hair.  I see all the ads with the models looking great, after 3-4 hours of make up and styling, I choose not to buy into it, and to not be ashamed of myself for it anymore.

If someone wants to judge me for how I look, then I’m happy not knowing them.  Seeing now, how I had put the power of my confidence in someone else’s unwilling and unworthy hands..

By the time I’d arrived at work I felt a lot better, acknowledging and accepting feelings which felt so difficult just one hour before.  I went to teach and I know people always love my classes (the regulars at least), but still I give myself a hard time for not being fun, strong, clear or creative as I want to be. But this realisation and meditation on accepting my crisis in confidence, let me teach without giving myself such a hard time, and everything flowed with much more ease.

We need to be our own best friends rather than worst enemies – if we took out our internal dialog and heard it through the tongue of another person; is that the type of person we’d be friends with?

 

Then I remember, I am who I am, and I accept myself.
I sometimes feel insecure, and I accept myself.
I feel a mess at times, and I accept myself.
I would rather be chilled than always preening, and I accept myself.
I am beautiful as I am, and I accept myself..

 

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Cleanse and Detox

Cleanse and Detox.  The words cleanse, detox, diet, for some can be quite emotive, even scary, or a potential joy for remedying digestive issues.  What you eat, drink and inhale, literally forms the building blocks of your body, therefore, it’s important to know how to help your body to swap some of the shady, polluted or diseased blocks with healthy ones to keep the body functioning optimally.  Not a lot of people are aware of how joined up our emotional states are to what we eat; it still surprises me when I talk to people who aren’t nutrition aware about how powerless they believe they are for their own state of health through what they eat and drink, think diabetes, cancer, skin conditions, arthritis to name but a few conditions which can be both caused and remedied using food.  Your body is super intelligent, give it good fuel and it’ll work the rest out!

I’ve tried pretty much every diet going, from the ketogenic to the vegan, paleo, low fat, low sugar, ayurvedic, no carbs, juice, G.A.P.S. (Gut And Psychology Syndrome); I’ve attempted intermittent fasting and dreamt about doing the lemonade, juice, water and a whole host of others cleanses too.  With fasting, I’ve never gotten too far as my BMI is always generally healthy but on the low side and to be honest, with past eating disorders, I don’t think this is something I want to put myself through (again, lol).  Dieting, wow, trying to heal my gut of Crohn’s, IBS, incessant bloating and skin conditions, that’s why I’ve tried a lot of them.  Before I go any further I’d like to acknowledge that we’re all so different and thus if you find something which works for you, go with that, go with your gut.  It’s only when things aren’t working out and your digestive, mental, emotional, skin and joint health aren’t feeling so good that you can be aware it’s time to change what you’re doing around your diet.  Google define for:

diet noun
 the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.  e.g. “a vegetarian diet”

So by me talking about diet, I don’t mean you go on it only to lose weight or with a short term goal, as even if you’re starting out at 20 Stone, there’s going to be a point at which losing weight is no longer a goal.  Therefore, diet in that case isn’t looking long term and is probably unsustainable as starving yourself to get a goal can only lead to HAnger (Hunger Anger) and falling off the wagon due to being hungry, then eating, punishing yourself, crying, trying again, failing and falling into a trap of disempowerment and buggering yourself up.  With any food, aim to get it as close to it’s natural state as possible, and it’ll have less rubbish in which stresses out your body.  Whole grains, real food, produced by decent farms, being wary of big brands where mass production can dramatically decrease the quality of your ingested building blocks.  Just because an ad or packaging tells you something it’s healthy doesn’t mean it is; there’s a lot of advertising loop holes and if it needs someone to advertise it then clearly it’s not selling itself..  Most diet foods are full of chemicals and synthetic fillers, derived of nutrition and shoddy building blocks for your human organism!  So, have a good diet, and the cleanse and detox are a part of it, with less need to starve yourself or drink psyllium husks for a week.

The cleanse and detox I’m on at the moment involves:

  • Cutting the crap.  Phase it out to start, then simply, cutting foods which are processed, containing refined sugar, fake table salt and E numbers.  Also, alcohol, caffeine except a treat green tea if going out.
  • Switching to Fish, Olive, Coconut and flaxseed oils, reducing vegetable, sunflower, canola oils and animal fats.
  • Eating FRESH food everyday, cut up real veggies; make soups, salads, steam things, stirfries.  For animal protein (if you eat it) then eat fresh fish, lean poultry, eggs (if you can tolerate them), minimally so as to not over load your system during this time.  Make soup out of chicken with the bones in.
  • Having a large vegetable juice every day, on an empty stomach, adding wheatgrass powder, incrementing how much each week (up to 20g).
  • Being mindful of portion size, stop eating when full and save left overs for later.  Not being worried to clear the plate.
  • Probiotics, probiotics, probiotics!  In capsule, sauerkraut, kefir, kombucha, natto, miso, which ever but take a little bit with each meal to aid friendly bacteria and digestion.
  • Drink plenty of water or herbal teas.

So my cleanse and detox is pretty much the diet I hope to continue on, but the forward diet being one which has space for the odd night out with my friend gin, or going out for a curry or tea and cake; it just won’t be every week as the healthier I get, the less I want to go back to eating how I know doesn’t make me feel my best.

The more simple the better with diet and cleansing, in my opinion, you just need to know why you’re doing it and the consequences later on.  Trust your gut and think about your whole picture, not just how you want to look on your next beach holiday.

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I Just Don’t Feel Like It

I Just Don't Want To Do It

I Just Don't Want To Do It

I Just Don’t Feel Like It.  Would missing that class be a total abomination of my physique, training, or education?  Would not going out with my friends, making me a bad friend, a recluse, or to never meet my match?..  What happens when I don’t feel like doing what’s on the agenda?   Would missing all those things affect me in a negative way?

So far, by ditching what I don’t feel like (even if it’s a last minute change of heart) and taking the time to listen to what I do want to do; I’ve gained ridiculous energy for other, previously neglected areas of my life.  For example, finding new interests, fixing my bike, contact with family and old friends, taking better care of myself, and more in depth research into the niggles which have been bothering me for years.

The I Just Don’t Feel Like It scenario I’ve recognised when working with clients too, as I work partially in the fitness industry, and it’s here people want to be pushed and pushed to achieve and do more.  You name it, it’s on the table, better buns, abs, biceps, smaller waist..  I don’t consider my teaching as fitness per se, but Pilates and yoga are both tied up in it in our society, and I’ve been constantly doubting if I push my clients enough, especially in group classes..  My thinking is, if you have the energy there to pay attention and apply yourself to a situation, THEN You’ll do the work, if you don’t, then maybe take the time to rest?  Give your best to a situation you feel like applying yourself to, though this might be hardcore napping or having tea with friends. I’d suggest, anything that isn’t wasting energy by staring into a screen..  Work with good form, not in a half assed kinda gonna do something..  In my opinion, that’s just time wasting.

Why can’t we do our best and when we need to, take a rest so we can evaluate if we need to keep going or, change track?  Why do we have to run ourselves into the ground and rely on caffeine, supplements and other people to get us going?  Why can’t we tune into our innate intelligence and realise what it is that we do have energy for?

The more we leave ourselves to NOT do the things we don’t feel like, the more we come to understand WHAT it is that we do feel like doing.  When you keep doing things because you think you ‘should’, they act as distractions from the things which may otherwise ignite our enthusiasm to be proactive and get out into the world; however that looks for each individual.   It might feel a bit messy at first, but trust yourself, that if you don’t feel like doing something or going somewhere, then there’s another part of life waiting for you to discover it..  Of course, this isn’t going to work for everyone, I’m still investigating what it is when people are so called ‘Lazy’, as I’ve never been considered as lazy, to me it seems like hardcore procrastination; perhaps fear based, but that’s a whole other topic..

I’d love to hear any comments…

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An acknowledgement to kind people

 

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Kindness.  Nothing less..

When I was about 17 I was starting to get closer to a long-time flirting, high school time sweetheart. Within a couple of weeks, I cheated on him with his good friend.  I was drunk and stupid and had no idea what I wanted out of a relationship.  Since then, I’ve done a lot of growing up and much therapy work, and thus realise, there are different end goals you can aim for with relationships, it isn’t about just sex, or enduring a dull, drab monotony.  Yes, I was a pretty, a hem, very, confused teenager (kinda normal huh..?).

He was angry, but in the long run, I remember this high school sweetheart still being kind to me, and at least treating me like a human, despite my error in actions.

This is one story of many about the people who I’ve acted unkind, selfish or in other ways suboptimally when I was younger; and yet, I still received kindness (not to be mistaken for being a pushover, he ditched me there and then, clearly!) from.

It’s funny how now, after having enough of a taste of how that feels, I finally feel like I get the point of being kind… As in, how to and, why one might want to genuinely express kindness. Of course, all spiritual, self-help, religious and other such media profess kindness, but reading about it and consciously acting it feels totally different.

I heard enough times and realised, truly, deeply realised, that you attract what you are and/or what you’re seeking.
Over the years I’ve mostly had great people around me, good energy and such, however, there’s always been that guy and his drama and/or selfishness, or that wild and self-destructive close friend..

I was choosing to have that kind of vibe for my closest relationships, I was being self-destructive, treating guys like shit; being a kind person for the most part (debatable!), but, for the deep and meaningful parts, still being quite unkind.

So what’s changed?

Injury, hurt and a lack of kind; plus the flip side of that, being given enough kindness from others. I’m not sure why I was acting in such an mean way, directed both inwards and outwards..  My last relationship was emotionally abusive, it was with a mental guy who was paranoid and disturbed, mentally controlling and, hearing about his ex’s, if I would’ve stayed around, also physically dangerous too. Although for me, with a tendency to self care too little, the physical damage came all too easily to my sensitive body, through, self neglect.

I was going too fast and kept crashing, not taking time for myself and the more kind, nourishing and nurturing parts and people in my life. But, in hindsight, this was OK. Although yes, of course, it would’ve been nice to not have had to endure so much pain to come to this realisation, but the experiences I’ve gained along the way will hopefully keep me in good stead going forwards. If I wouldn’t have had this experience then I wouldn’t be me, and I wouldn’t perhaps be able to connect so well with all those hurt or hurting individuals I know as friends, clients and colleagues.   A friend once said to me, whilst she was telling me a tale about her hard upbringing in South America, “You know, so many people I meet don’t seem to get it, but I can tell you can feel what I’m talking about”, or something along those lines; and this empathy at least for me, makes it all worth it.

So right now, as I nurse my physical (sacrum out of whack, over tight piriformis and hence not able to walk much so back to writing!) and emotional wounds (felt by my enteric/gut nervous system feels a lot of pain, still recovering from past hurt), I’m keen to reflect on how to keep myself free of this extreme self-inflicted need for rehab again…

It’s been the kindness of friends, family, teachers and strangers who have helped me to see how I can get myself together again.
The glimpses of this over the years, when the actions and words of people have exceeded how I treated myself.. When the people I was attracting were perhaps charming on the surface but deep down really hurting and less than loving…

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Somatic Unwinding

So far, the experience has been profound.  I’m feeling a need on some level to do some crazy exercise to shake it all up and get back into my past default in questing for muscular strength.  However, having just received a second 1:1 hands on session of Body Mind Centering, from the lead trainer Katy Dymoke, I’m just going to continue to lay on the floor and be with the tangled mess which is my inner body..  This beautifully sweet training, and supporting body work is helping me to unwind the world of pain felt in my body which; I had surrendered to needing to endure forever, now I’m not so sure.

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It’s a crying shame that despite the amount of yoga and Pilates sessions I’ve received that there isn’t more of this information present.  I have just 2 teachers in each discipline whom teach from this perspective.  THIS is what it’s all about, not your abs, your yoga selfies or your legs a kimbo!..  I’m so exhausted, in a good way, hence why this is the only thing I’ve managed to publish through out my so far 2 weeks Somatics training, but more is coming!  Watch this space ..

Day 3 Nervous System, 2nd Session with Katy

Dropping in, listening..

Relearning how to hear.

A deep yearning for these pathways to clear!

To sense in(my)sides,

Of course before sensing the other may fully arise..

Organ support, how to purport?

After a life time of neglect,

6 short years means I’m not quite there yet..

So many feelings, mainly in my gut and head,

To hear, implicitly, impartially,

My body craving this in its totality.

I’m sorry, I’m here now..

No wonder it all hurts, for so long working as a disjunct and abstract organism..

It’s not just you dear muscles, ligaments and bones whom need to hold up this being.

It’s not just you dear organs, fluids and glands, whom cope with digestion, procreation and feeling..

As, all together, a synergy can persist,

Allowing ease, strength and harmony to exist.

Crossed messages, fibres and pain,

Never again can I move the same..

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Probiotics, are they useful?

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I’ve been recommended to take probiotic supplements for years; ever since I learnt that I had Crohn’s disease, friends and teachers have advised me to take this product or that product to repopulate my flora.  The doctors have never told me to do so, I didn’t really appreciate what my flora is and it all seemed a bit much, so I didn’t bother.  Still having symptoms and issues with digestion a few years ago, I was decided to try them! But, they didn’t seem to do anything (I got a generic Holland and Barretts one, I don’t think this is perhaps a good quality).  People still kept talking about these things to me!  At the start of the year, I bought some more, of a good quality from a health food shop.  It was horrible!  I was more bloated and farty than before so I didn’t take them for many days!..

A few months ago I came across the GAPS (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) diet, it described my problems, was written by a doctor and thus seemed like my prayers for  improved digestion had finally been answered!!   Except, I had to go on a hugely restrictive diet with a shed load of animal fats included, which seemed counter intuitive to what I had learnt about alkalising and not going too heavy on animal fat (due to it’s inflammatory and acidifying effect on the body).  There was so much science and sense in the ideology of it for the most part that I took the fundamental points, which were easy to apply into my daily life, and carried on being allowed to eat out and with friends!  The main thing I took, ditch grains (even gluten free), unless you NEED that cake or pasta meal for mental health reasons haha, and consume a lot more probiotics.  But note, that’s what’s currently working for me, we are all so different that it may or may not help you to try this.

You’ve possibly seen my post on Kefir, this book got me back into making my own (I flushed my milk mushrooms when I moved home last because EVERYTHING was too much of an effort when you have to move home), but also I started to use Sauerkraut (a live one) and to be able to continue with probiotics without making symptoms of bloating, constipation, gas, etc (all the things which make you want to die or simply NOT have a life in public!).

So, WHY take Probiotics?  Why am I still pursuing and now publically sharing about this?

If you’ve had anti-biotics (i.e. kills bacteria, even those helpful ones in your gut which help digest and absorb the right stuff from your food), steroids, parasites in your gut, some kind of poisoning, constant IBS symptoms (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, i.e. just a shit digestion and the doctors can’t say why, hence it’s a sydrome..), any type of strong cancer or other therapy drug or treatment, wasn’t breast fed, regularly consumed NON-ORGANIC dairy or meat (as these too contain a heap of anti-biotics), been constantly or regularly sick with something it’s possible that your gut is imbalanced.  As literally, you aren’t so much what you eat more than, what your gut is absorbing from what you eat (clearly if you’re living on burgers and chips, there’s not much nutrition there to start with!)..  It’s what gets into your bloodstream through your intestines which is what is powering your body and mind; what gets into your bloodstream is controlled by what bacteria are in your gut, if they produce good nutrients on breaking down your food or, if they produce alcohol, opiates or other things which can plainly cause you to feel mental and not very nourished; it’s going to make a difference to the sensitive biochemistry of your body.  This biochemical ‘fun’ can be expressed as skin problems like spots, rashes, welts, dryness; brain fog, sore joints and muscles, vision issues, and many more mental and physical disturbances.

Basically, bacteria are awesome, they’re on everything too.  This is a good thing, we work in harmony together and help keep each other alive.  It’s just when too many selfish/bad/pathogenic bacteria (rather than the symbiotic/good/healthy ones) end up making residence in our guts, we can feel less than our best and they basically run our show!   IF we have a good amount of healthy bacteria, our guts are healthy, then we are healthy and, these good bacteria help to keep not just the ‘bad’ bacteria in check but also our immune system can stay fully optimal and we have a lot less physical and mental issues and dis-eases.  Simple.

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If any of this resonates with you, yes probiotics might well be helpful, if not then probably not.  Mindset ALWAYS makes an X-factor of difference.

From my own trial and error, you read, I had issues at first but here’s some tips I learnt to make it easier, if you do want to try yourself, to see if they can help you a little (or a lot).  Note, I’m not a doctor, this isn’t cause to bin your GP, don’t be a dickhead, use some common sense, especially if currently taking any medication or suffering from any condition, check with your doctor first!.

  • Consume first thing with some warm (not too hot as it’ll kill the little lovelies) lemon water, as I found if taken with lunch, those little darling just make a party in my guts and I bloated like a balloon (update, now my gut is more balanced I tolerate them at anytime).  Eat something soon enough after to help them to have something to fuel them but go easy.
  • Get a good brand like Bio-Kult, one you know is going to still be alive and well and able to reach your intestines and not just give up half way.
  • To gently try first and support your bacteria day to day, try probiotics like Kefir, miso, kombucha, sauerkraut, kimchi.  ALWAYS look for organic, where possible, especially for the kefir, as if not, you have antibiotics in the milk from the poorly treated cows; so it’s kind of an oxymoron to consume non-organic kefir!
  • Start with less, build up to ‘full dose’ after a few weeks, the packet should have instructions, if not check the manufacturer’s website.
  • Try for a few weeks to cut out refined sugar and minimise grains, this is because the ‘bad’ bacteria thrive on these products, as well as the bi-products of them, if you are imbalanced can just make things feel harder biochemically than they need to be.  I cut out most sugars ages ago, have been a bit more diligent with sugar (added/refined) and sweet fruits (rather than acid ones which seem better on my digestion at least) and notice a massive decrease in bloating symptoms, bloating from gas is usually a bi-product from bacteria processing the foods in your gut.  Apply common sense here.
  • If you’re on a healing drive, add a little miso, sauerkraut or something like that with each meal, keep topping up those symbiotic bacteria, moderately, if it feels good to do so.  If not, then don’t!
  • Pre-biotics like different fibres etc can be useful to feel the bacteria, if you’re diet is a bit rubbish, look it up and balance this too.
  • Go easy.  You can apply this to everything, less stress in your head = less stress in your body = healthier body which is better able to manage itself and balance appropriately.
  • Keep trying things out!  Be consistent with any changes/additions/removals of dietary things for a couple of months to see if it does help but else if it’s not working, “next”!  As I said before, you have a different life, body and needs to me, I can tell you what’s helped me but there’s no saying if it’ll work for you.  Try it and see for yourself!

Happy bloat-free pooping!

 

References:

Gut and Psychology Syndrome (available on Book Depository, Free delivery!)

http://www.bio-kult.com/

 

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Heart Listening Meditation

This Heart Listening Meditation can help you to release fears and anxiety, tune into your true self and express the best of you.  Whatever the struggle, these past few years have had the propensity to make or break many of us.  Many have left this Earth, left relationships, ‘stable’ careers, and homes; many changes still seem to be happening too..

Physically and physiologically I’m in better shape than possibly ever before; psychologically and emotionally possibly also too but, recently I’ve noticed the heavy feeling in my heart.  Perhaps this is from before but I wasn’t quiet enough to listen to it, or perhaps it’s more recent that my heart is feeling pained as I only came to notice it when sitting down for a few minutes self-healing before leaving to teach.

Your physical heart resides in the left hand side of your chest, the emotional or energetic centre in more in the middle of the chest at the bottom of the sternum (breast bone).  The left side is side to relate to the right side of our brains, which is said to be related to our more feminine, quiet, and intuitive qualities; for me, this left side has generally been a bit more disturbed on comparison to the right.

Once I had settled into my seat, it was almost like a firework of realisation went off in my mind!..  When did I last truly listen to my heart?!.  I realised I still was in need for some deeper introspection to move in beyond the pull of thoughts, judgement and the mind.. The mind is very smart, I thought I was feeling, but  this is different to actually feeling, listening, sensing and being aware of the more subtle layers..

The heart meditation my heart shared with me is too good and too easy not to share.

Sit, lay down, or however you can be comfortable and about 80% relaxed, so there is still an edge of alertness present.  Lightly place your hand on your heart (just above left boob or nipple is probably the easiest place to sense it, and see if you can follow your heart beat..

If you can’t at first it’s important to breathe and be patient, these things can take time..

Simply stay with that and send the intention of love from your hand(s) to your heart.

See if you can tune into the connected nature of it all through your physical body.  If that evolves to more subtle systems then allow whatever comes. If you wind up thinking then notice your thoughts, if it’s a story about hurt, love, pain, fun or anything else then notice it, and come back to listening to your heart beat. If anything keeps pulling at your attention then explore it at will, or simply write it down to make a note, but be conscious you’ve distracted from the listening.  For how long you want to do this is up to you.  Start with 5 minutes is my suggestion.  Try it and let me know how you get on!

Photo Credit Miguel Echievera

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It’s All About Me

Tao2Clearly, there are some people who don’t need to practice being selfish.  Already perhaps enough of It’s All About Me..  I thought I was selfish but I was just scared, I held on tightly to things because being with myself felt impossible to me.  Always wanting to share and be open and generous, but not having lucid enough boundaries, I’d be sharing too much of Me.  Meaning, I would repeatedly finding myself in the position of the door mat, or putting myself down in order to make others feel better in my comparison; and essentially, putting up with far too much crap at the sake of trying to be ‘nice’.

Recent life changes, both imposed and chosen, lead me to setting an intention at this last new moon, intending to make this lunar month ALL ABOUT ME!  Ooooh, bit of an edgy subject for someone whose worried about being too demanding or, for someone in a position which generally gives to others..  My boundaries have been firmly yet flexibly set; imagine elastic brickwork!..  Saying no to any work I’m not sure my energy would appreciate, only going to places or doing things which permit my feeling at ease in myself, scared is fine, healthy at times, but not pressured (not to please or blindly help if it winds up hurting me).  It’s a firm no to impositions on my time (unless I feel it’s worth going with it in the moment), and, challenging the things in my life which had been niggling me – I.e. if I’ve been questioning if they were fully satisfying my worth.

If it backfires and I fall on my face?  So what.  Like any other slightly neurotic person (well, ahem, recovered/ing neurotic), I see the potential to be worried about not being or doing enough to sustain friendships, work opportunities and other walks of life; but something has shifted.  By permitting myself to say no, I no longer feel I need to be concerned about failing.  That doesn’t mean I loose my sense of compassion, respect, humility or love; it means these are all very present but I apply them to myself first; as working authentically with love and respect, one cannot disrespect another, trying to respect the other without first understanding this for ones self is where it all goes tits up.

If you don’t get a result which was aimed for, a smile you were trying to impress for or that amazeballs gig you trained for, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means it wasn’t right for you.  If it doesn’t come with ease (work maybe needed, but not being pushy or overly insistent) then it’s not meant for your here and now.  Similar to spreading yourself too thin for others is simply doing something you don’t need to, somehow distorting the balance of what others need to perhaps learn to do for themselves..

A shortened version of this extract from the Tao keeps running in my head – do nothing and nothing is to be undone, but the whole is quite wonderful and explains with grace and fewer words what this month is about for me:

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Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu – chapter 38

A truly good man is not aware of his goodness,
And is therefore good.
A foolish man tries to be good,
And is therefore not good.

A truly good man does nothing,
Yet nothing is left undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done

When a truly kind man does something, he leaves nothing undone.
When a just man does something, he leaves a great deal to be done.
When a disciplinarian does something and no one responds,
He rolls up his sleeves in an attempt to enforce order

Therefore when Tao is lost, there is goodness.
When goodness is lost, there is kindness.
When kindness is lost, there is justice.
When justice is lost, there is ritual.
Now ritual is the husk of faith and loyalty, the beginning of confusion.
Knowledge of the future is only a flowery trapping of the Tao.
It is the beginning of folly.

Therefore the truly great man dwells on what is real
and not what is on the surface,
On the fruit and not the flower,
Therefore accept the one and reject the other.

Taken from – http://www.wussu.com/laotzu/laotzu38.html

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Fighting Monkey (Copenhagen Workshop 2016)

For 4 days I’d had my mind blown
Head fuck extraordinaire..  Fighting Monkey Copenhagen 2016, Monkey Mind doesn’t stand a chance..

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Jozef and Linda share about moving in a way which is not only palatable but accessible and really freaking exiting.  Moving with your whole organism, opening up or enhancing ones ability to respond to oncoming challenge, moving harmoniously within your natural organism and within your environment. Assertive yet open encouragement to break out of preconditioned patterns and models, and providing the space to entice every cell of your being to work at it’s best. To keep moving, using the constant current of life and your universal vibration in order to respond to unknown variables. Coming out of the prefrontal cortex, the analysis part of your mind, and coming into the space of infinite potential; thus allowing a maximal harmonious play with your environment, whatever that may be..

For me, being a mover for a lot less time than most of those who were also attending the workshop, I found it highly demanding but very accommodating and encouraging to allow my mammal organism to move more freely and more ease fully than ever before, with a consciousness beyond the basic mind control, tapping in ever deeper to ones central channel. The principles they use are delivered in a manner such that I believe anyone can gain, whatever their background; however to have a good awareness of ones mechanics beforehand is a must to enable safe and optimal participation.

I trained intensely before this workshop, mainly working on strength and balance; this was a wise impulse for me to follow as you need to have at least a certain amount of balanced perception of strength and flexibility in order to progress through the games architecture offered. My journey with movement clearly started when I was created in the womb, but due to my path in life, movement took a sideline for schooling, university and the inevitable working at a desk for several years; following the path I assumed to be the one I needed to follow..  No matter what your background, if you’re reading this, you have a body (however that has manifested it’s unique and wonderful self) and to have a body means you NEED to move it.  Use it, or lose it.. 😉

Having a few year experience with martial arts (kick boxing mainly) and more recently with Pilates and yoga put me in good stead to keep up, awareness and knowledge of biomechanics has also been fundamental in allowing me to move in way which has reduced the stress on my body and thus increase its desired output. As when you move with poor form, this not only stresses your joints but also your nervous, energetic, emotional, digestive and other biological systems; don’t get me wrong, any movement is better than no movement but let me just drop in the word ‘optimal’ to marinade on one’s brain..  Once an awareness about basic mechanics has been embodied these proposers of fighting monkeys blow all of that out of the water. When I work with people who don’t move enough or don’t have enough awareness of their body and I can see why my other teachers have placed such strong emphasis on ‘correct’ movement; I.e. Offering movement tasks to people which can help them to stabilise and open up joints in a safe manner. This is not the only way. The joints and structures need to be allowed to move in such a way which challenges them, tests them, not only supporting them.  I can see from a general teaching stance how these techniques of basic linear alignment can help in general classes with people who aren’t so interested in movement per se and perhaps, need to first build up their basics and manage general and obvious pathologies; but I’m very happy to redefine, rebuild and reimagine what these blessed bodies can do..

Linda’s smooth and elegant yet super strong movements inspire the sense of grace and ease with the vibration of each and every one of your cells.  Jozef’s apparent background with martial arts often brings in the element of fighting to the games he shared, or I guess this could be put as, the need to respond to irregular happenings in the environment, as it’s generally not the case that our every step and every interaction will only be challenging us in a uniformed way. Therefore our body requires the neural, biochemical and physical ability to adapt constantly. How do we do that if we have only ever moved in a regular fashion?

All weekend, and in the weeks leading up to this I’ve felt energised, waking up early, until my head has been hitting the pillow (sometimes) being alive.  Now I feel I could sleep for the next month, or two..  So much demand on the systems of my organism, finally catching up with me.  But I wouldn’t change this for the world. I can feel those hard to reach areas are now pulsating with life, even if my muscles are intensely aching and my head is heavy.

The most nourishing part for my spine from the games of the fighting monkey was working a lot with moving my head with the balls.  I’ve discovered or reinforced in my brain where it is I have been having less than complete systems of movement, for me.  I can see, even though I live in a city I need not be holding myself in this bracket and boundaries anymore- mindset is of great importance. Confidence in movement is of great importance too.  I’ll admit, I’ve been quite scared of moving in certain ways as the body I have is an amazing tool for learning; the amount of eccentricities it’s shown me to work through can be pretty tiring but it’s been so refreshing to smash the shit out of what I thought it could do and open up my imagination more to what it’s built to do.

Thanks, respect and big up to Jozef and Linda x