Category: Mental Wellbeing

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Holiday Gifting without the Plastic and Waste

Conscious holiday giving.  It’s not all about Consumerism, and no it’s not about religion too, well not for me. For me it goes back further than that.

Maybe it’s too late, maybe you already bought half the shops out of stock, or maybe you’ve been waiting for the green light to grinch it up too..

Each year this becomes a stronger pull for me to not want to give or recieve things.

For me, it simply seems crazy (like many things, too many things to mention haha) that we would keep spending our hard earned cash on frivolous trash which is basically utilised for 1 day, ever, as next year of course, there will be another band of buying to replace the discarded items from this year past.. And the cycle continues.

Maybe I am a grinch, or an overly deep thinker but to me it seems we need a few more people to have some discernment around things so easily manipulated by media, big brands and ideals which clearly don’t care for the future of generations, even if they pretend to care for 1 or 2 days à year, to get us to give them more money.

If we really look at it, astrologically if we look at science and physics, Christmas, as in the 24th, is the 3rd day after the solstice (we usually have 3 days to feel the effects of shifts and changes within the planets, moon and stars, ie the sun), the birth of the sun from the darkness, or as christians see it the birth of the son of God.

We are celebrating the returning of light, in the northern hemisphere, the sun, the giver of life (watch a plant or human try to grow without light), for me THIS is the miracle. The simple fact of light and warmth from the Sun God coming back to help food and air-cleaning trees to regrow (you know, the real essentials). All of this with the presence of the ones we love, a cold time, great to eat, drink, hibernate and be merry with them.

I don’t understand why we’ve allowed media companies to turn this into another excuse to make money.  “Oh the economy”…  There are more important things to life than economics and capitalism.

Money comes and goes, but our time and people in our lives, never again will the chance of these moments come back.  I would rather visit someone I love, do something together.  Or make a gift of warmth, or find something to bring them light (without the packaging).

Consciousness seems to be the new fad, which seems ironic, from my perspective, considering the above.  Hence, if we’re ‘being conscious’, why not include conscious gifting this holiday period?

Love n peace x

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Perfect

I may not have perfect teeth but I still have a fantastic smile 😀

I may not have perfect skin, but all my inners all stay in 😉

I may have frizzy hair, but not paying attention to how I should look, I just. Don’t care. 


With so much stigma on how people look, on having the perfect hair, skin, face, clothes. I feel refreshed to share how I’m breaking free from media (commercial and social) influence. Follow me @christine_suzuki_core_focus for more ideas on how to reclaim YOU.

photo credit @cosmic_agent Miguel Echeverria

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Cool-Headed amidst CoronaVirus

Dear dears,
during these uncertain times (a common phrase right now, I’m sure!), I would like to be barer of pragmatism in the hope to help those in my community to be able to stay in one’s centre and personal power. 

To not succumb to fear and its effects on our health; mentally, physically, socially and economically.  By writing this I’m not meaning to ignore advice about not spreading this further, or to undermine the awful wave of deaths across the globe but, to remind us all, that worrying literally does nothing.

Cool-headed

Despite statistics and educated opinions, we actually cannot predict the future. We have an idea. There are many speculations on why this is happening, and where it is going, but this is based on the fact of the known, but the unknowns are plentiful and we will never actually uncover all of them.

All we can do is to stay present and aware so that we may be able to respond as best we can, not from a place of fear and over-thinking, but from a place of being rational and cool-headed amidst coronavirus unnerving times; responding as and how changes occur. Without our presence, we can jump to panic and often very much disempower ourselves and those others trying to help (see nurses reaction to empty shelves with all this panic buying). In scary times, we can often want someone to take the reigns and tell us it’ll be OK, to look for advice in the opinion of another (simply as I state here, just my opinion but I hope it to empower individuals, not to take away). but really, who knows for sure?

What can we do to quell the nagging anxieties telling us we might be housebound for 6 months? Or that everything may go to rubbish?!

What can we actually find safety or confidence in? The only sure ground anyone has is one’s sense of centre. As we practice in Pilates, meditation or yoga (and beyond, this is simply my remit), to find balance, to find that strong, easy place, to be where we can continue to breathe normally, despite the external factors and pressures. THIS is the only secure place for us, even the strongest house will crumble in time.

I wish to offer my services and experience as a means to help keep those around me empowered and centred so that as a whole community, we may each make the best decisions regarding ourselves and others, as opposed to reacting on fear of the unknown and massive speculations. 

Thus, I’ll be offering zoom or Skype sessions, open Pilates/meditation/yoga depending on what I feel like and what’s requested/I hear around me. Also, I’ll be continuing to offer private sessions via this medium. All sessions will be based on donation, as in, if you’re still receiving payment from your employment, or not, anticipating your fairness for us both (my work is usually all face to face and 99% of my employers ceased my employment as soon as they’ve closed their doors). Please do get in touch via my contact form if you wish to know more.


Let’s all stay in our personal power of clear minds, decisiveness and health in physical, emotional and psychological regards. 

With love, Christine

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Fighting with Myself

fighting with myself

I am another you
You are another me

When I fight with you, I’m really just fighting with myself.
I said that this week and I truly meant it.
There was a time that I’d hear such words and wonder about on what drugs someone had to be on to say something so bizarre.

Yesterday, I was on my way home from my 6th and so far, most intense BMC (Body Mind Centering) course and was met with the most surreal realisations. Typing this up the morning after, I’m still with the lingering sense that something big has shifted open..

Seeing in all the people around me, parts of myself..
Those traits and attributes I see in others which can make me feel warm and fluffy, and like want to hug them. Or those traits which make me feel beautiful, as in when I watch someone truly in their body and their experience and move so gracefully and with such mastery and I want to identify with these movers.
However, then there’s witnessing someone being overly expressive or sensitive, which hits my nerves and maybe I become annoyed or frustrated to be close to this. Someone with greasy hair and smelling unwashed (much like me after some 9 days of rolling around in the floor, getting up early and late to bed), and how when I see these traits I try to disown this person from being anywhere near me, so abstract to how I’d like to identify.

Yet still, in a place with an open mind, I realise; they all are me, or is it that I am all of them..

Observing myself on the bus this Monday morning past, petty words exchanged with someone tutting their annoyance of me moving into their space, (as I tried to make more space for others getting on the bus into the then discovered unwidened space I supposed of those who alighted) which I challenged. In reflection, If in that moment, I hadn’t felt petty or feisty in my early morning rattled mind, then I wouldn’t have cared. This man was reflecting back to me that petty argumentative side of myself and if I would have retorted beyond the few words I’d have said, to justify my actions, I’d be calling him the names that I could be called too.

With all those things in people I see which I love, and I loathe, I see those parts in me, and recognise how much and how deeply I can move between loving and loathing myself. After so much ‘work’ and attention been and being paid to be as authentic with myself as possible, it still strikes me when one of these shadows or unseen edges flare-up.

It’s so easy to blame the other, as in, I can’t keep away from them, I love them too much, or I couldn’t help trying to destroy them as I loathe them, (they’re so wrong or different to how I see me – extreme scenarios one can see in more worldly situations too). Hence, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be working and studying with such a community as I am: Katy, who is the BMC course director in the UK deserves a medal of honour to hold a space so much that shame, pride, ego and fear doesn’t get in the way of truly seeing not just a deeper part of one’s self on the physical (ie the skeletal system) but in all the parts of Mind and experience which we touch in these studies and discoveries.

I’ve heard before, biased against going into yourself, but I don’t mean narcissism, but to unearth the tough shadow parts whilst celebrating our more beautiful points. As it is my opinion that until we SEE and ACCEPT our whole selves, we can’t authentically do that with anyone else either (thinking healthy relationships). I’m surely still travelling a long road but if my physical and emotional health is anything to go by, this is certainly a path worth to travel

Thanks to all my teachers. From the humans to the trees, those little pesky flies that constantly compel me to swat them, and of course, to all those interested to share this journey.

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Cry [Me] a River, to Be the Best You Who Can Be

waterfall

You know those times when you feel yourself welling up?  But, you’re brave and strong; perhaps you’re in public, so you hold back the tears.  You think about something else or tell yourself “it doesn’t matter” or “Not again, I thought I’d be over that by now”, or “cry baby, suck it up!”; and so it goes on…  You’re attempting to not cry a river!

Whenever you stop yourself from crying; psychologically, emotionally, and physiologically you’re further damning, i.e. building bigger and higher that dam, which blocks you from having to feel those emotions.   So, you stop yourself crying and you’re building that wall up a few bricks more, every time you need to hold back those floods.  Every time you don’t allow the flow/motion of your energy and to let yourself feel, there’s that little bit more dissociation from what’s behind your pain, as well as what elates you.

Overwhelmed?

When a person is overwhelmed, it can feel like it will overwhelm all of the people and the structures downstream.  Depending on the setting and qualities of those people, it may do.  Or it may be that you are overwhelmed and need to put it somewhere outside of yourself.  Instead of bottling it up, look for a ‘safe’ space, and reliable, flexibly minded people,  A process-oriented/relational therapist is the BEST investment I’ve ever made, ever – but I realise that this may not be within everyone’s means. Thus, we can unload this eventual mounting energy front, in a way that we and those close to us can tolerate downstream. Cry a river in a safe space.  Everyone has their challenges, but sometimes by communicating our challenges, it can let those we love that little bit closer.

Weak?

But does crying make you weak?  There is nothing further from the truth.  To let oneself cry a river is powerful, and hard.  Being distracted by Netflix, weed, parties, South Park, shopping, Facebook, or [insert other external focus here] is easy. To sit and dig deep; to bring up the deepest pains takes much strength and courage.

All those hangups, those built-up walls, all the old repressive sayings of “men don’t cry.. ..suck it up..  ..move on!.. ..crying makes you weak..  ..be brave, don’t cry..  ..stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about..  ..dry your tears..”; they’re all blocking your flow.

Blocked Flow?

If your flow is blocked; if you don’t allow your tears and keep building your walls, then you can never get truly through to you.  You’ll keep getting in your way.  Let your tears show you what you need to process, what keeps getting in your way.

If you don’t have a good therapist, or people around you who can help, you’ve got yourself.  You’ve got your gauge of what makes you upset, go into that.  Write about it, make some art, feel it, and remember, this too shall pass.  Draw, write, or cry a river into your natural flow.

LOVE

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Awesomely Me

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Whilst I’m sat here writing, half in a puddle of tea (fortunately herbal and unsweetened) and nearly over feeling ropey from lunch, I revel in another layer of, it’s all about me.  Also in the happening today, complete organisational fail as I wasted 3 hours not having my optician appointment (long story, long day!); forgot to invite/remind attendees to come to the class I also spent hours navigating my day towards (rather than being home and more productive) and, bought lunch from a Thai food chain which wound up making me feel sick due to it’s MSG broth, having paid £8 for the pleasure of said broth plus a few wet noodles and 3 slices of carrot..  I knew it was going to be rubbish too!

So, not a great day in terms of productivity or organisational prowess, but not a terrible day either.  But, do you know what for me, has actually made it a pretty awesome day (despite the wasted time, failed appointment, food induced sickness, wasted money and lost wages); it’s awesome because,

I am completely cool with myself for f*cking up.

Me 1 year ago, strewth, me 5 or 10 years ago wouldn’t have let this go.  I would’ve been “So Stupid!“, “A Complete Failure at being functional!“, “Gah, what a moron!” etc.

For some of you reading this, you’ll be all like, “pah, so what?”, to you, those who aren’t too hard on themselves, fabulous, you’re total legends.  For those of you who can relate to this, and who are either recent converts to self-appreciation, regardless of the circumstance, or still on the path of self-awesomeness recognition; this is dedicated to you too.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yay me!

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Confidence at the heart of it

confidence

Confidence, has a lot to answer for..

I used to get so embarrassed about messing up what I was saying and teaching in front of a class, which in turn would make me stumble more and more over my words and delivery.  Especially when in front of a new group of people (teaching or otherwise).

I’d chastise myself for messing up, cursing the dyslexia, my nerves and my decision to choose a job so demanding for the confidence I was lacking.  Nearly 6 years on, I thought I was pretty ok with confidence, well with teaching I’m a lot better, but in personal situations, I seem to have regressed some how (thinking perhaps I haven’t regressed but become more aware of what past awkward feelings and missed interactions have been all about).  This few months rehab period, has been just the ticket to digest and process those difficult interactions and feelings, which I’d previously pushed or distracted out of my way.  It’s left me acknowledging and accepting whole new parts of myself, uncovering different layers where massive confidence issues were lying in wait, to come up and sabotage my interactions with the world at any step..  “You can’t do that..  ..They don’t like you..  You’re weird.. ..People will laugh at you.. ..You don’t have the xxx for that”  I’m sure there’s a lot more you could write here.

Last week I was walking to the tube and passed this guy, he rushed past but seemed to want to say ‘alright?’ to me.  I’d met this guy in the tattoo shop a few months before, we had chatted a lot and he asked for my number.  I wasn’t that interested in him, but having just split up with my ex, I was happy for a distraction and a boost in my confidence from his attention; he was well dressed and spoke well, so why not?  We kept trying to make a date but we were both hard to pin down.  But 2 weeks before last we accidentally met on the street, he expressed keenness to meet up, said he’d message me.  I was on my way back from work at the time, wearing trackie Bs, a baggy jumper and had freshly washed so totally fluffy and crazy hair.  He didn’t ever text me after that, or respond to the text I sent him.  This left me feeling shit, as I already was hating the way I looked that day, well, most days my hair is unruly and sticks out, so most days have been a challenge to completely like the woman in the mirror.

On the train, just after this most recent sighting, my phone was on shuffle for a chillaxed playlist and a meditation came on, it’s about sitting with challenging thoughts/feelings and then dropping into the body to witness how they resonate there. My thoughts were around feeling unattractive and messy, nearly 33 years old and still, unable to master my own hair (and wardrobe at times).  I know I’m fundamentally beautiful but, the world is a harsh place, and not being one of those people who take extra time to make their appearance perfect (or are blessed with easy hair lol), I see the way some people look at or treat me on occasion. I mean, I take great care of myself from the insides out, ensuring my natural attributes are shining; just don’t ask me to straighten my hair everyday, wear fake lashes, tan, etc.

During the mediation, dropping into my body, it was the front of my left, slightly tighter, and lesser functioning shoulder which spoke up; it rounds forwards a bit more than the other, like when you’re hiding a bit from the world and trying to look small.  In Yoga, the left side also relates to the feminine side of you, and it’s this for which I’ve sometimes been ashamed of, not being as well polished or feminine, as much I notice in others or how I used to be at 16.

By identifying that sense, and breathing with it, I was accepting my differences.  Accepting that I don’t want to spend an extra hour getting ready like when I was a teenager, I am enough with my nourished skin, and fine golden hair.  I see all the ads with the models looking great, after 3-4 hours of make up and styling, I choose not to buy into it, and to not be ashamed of myself for it anymore.

If someone wants to judge me for how I look, then I’m happy not knowing them.  Seeing now, how I had put the power of my confidence in someone else’s unwilling and unworthy hands..

By the time I’d arrived at work I felt a lot better, acknowledging and accepting feelings which felt so difficult just one hour before.  I went to teach and I know people always love my classes (the regulars at least), but still I give myself a hard time for not being fun, strong, clear or creative as I want to be. But this realisation and meditation on accepting my crisis in confidence, let me teach without giving myself such a hard time, and everything flowed with much more ease.

We need to be our own best friends rather than worst enemies – if we took out our internal dialog and heard it through the tongue of another person; is that the type of person we’d be friends with?

 

Then I remember, I am who I am, and I accept myself.
I sometimes feel insecure, and I accept myself.
I feel a mess at times, and I accept myself.
I would rather be chilled than always preening, and I accept myself.
I am beautiful as I am, and I accept myself..

 

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Let’s talk Yoga, not Fashionista, Contortion, or Stretch Fads

This has been one of the hardest things I’ve written, yet.  I’ve spoken to students and other teachers about this many times and the generalisation of the issue I pose, generally, centres around individuals and groups whom from the outside, have a lot in common with I.  Thus, when criticising something which looks so close to home, one has to first have looked long and hard in the mirror – actually, criticising anyone is usually a call to take a long hard look at oneself.  But, let’s talk yoga..

 

However, I’m aware buttons may be pushed for some readers, do comment below, make suggestions for improvement, create a discussion if you disagree or agree.  By no means in this 7 short years I’ve been practicing and studying yoga can I say I have read all the philosophy, solely studied it with intensity or fully embodied it; however, I have had the privilege of having some amazing teachers (taking many forms of actual teachers, students, injuries, etc) and the practice of what has been delivered to me as ‘Yoga’ has literally, saved my life.  The basterdisation of ‘Yoga’ doesn’t feel good to me, it feels the opposite of what I’ve grown with and thus, for current students (including I), future students and many more beings in and around this practice; I feel a need to challenge some of the bullshittery around the Westernised version also known as ‘Yoga’, or Voga or WTF ever..
yogaaa

 

I was teaching less and less ‘yoga’ last year, still had a couple of consistent classes and clients but generally; I had been put off even telling anyone I teach it, even today my introduction doesn’t include ‘yoga teacher’ due to the connotations around that being in their abundance.  My practices continues to evolve, in a profound way, this too can make it hard to share and sometimes, one needs to take time to fully embody what it is that’s happening as the internal and external world change alongside the practice, thus being mindful to not share a confused message..  Of the yoga classes I teach, it’s taken a long while to move into a place (with some of the regulars) where the space is available to offer more alternative ways to be in Asan (the ‘steady’, comfortable postures), allowing in the potential to drop concepts and conditionings around the general consideration about harder, faster and stronger being the better or only way.. 

 

The other reason I’ve found it hard to teach and focused more with Pilates has been this portrayal of the skinny/slim white girl bending over backwards, posing on Instagram, putting legs behind the head and calling it yoga.  Even to view some websites when I’m looking for workshops to attend, WTF – really, why would I want to learn yoga from this person making shapes but somehow feels so far removed from the practice?..  Where’s the self-love and reflection?..

 

OK, so what makes me any different?  Why criticise this?  I’m different because I don’t give a fuck TBH about how my hair looks in asan, I’m not going to buy into the £100 legging fad, my main care is comfort not contort.  I don’t have an Instagram account and I don’t see the point to post endless selfies trying to prove something.  I did make a demo video a couple of years ago to help a friend with a project and have had requests to make them by other friends and companies, so I’m working on it, but I really don’t understand how you can transpire some of the teachings via non-face to face, energy to energy contact..?  But let’s see, this isn’t a diss on technology!

 

I’ve heard so much from students, studio managers and other teachers about people getting taught ‘yoga’ by someone doing a headstand in front of the class before they’ve even begun, ‘the young 20 something slim girl coming back from a 200 hour training and taking all the yoga teaching jobs’, students getting Pushed or encouraged to Push themselves into Asan, workshops actively encouraging taking of selfies during the workshop in various poses…  Need I go on..  And all under the umbrella of ‘Yoga’.  THAT is the kind of ‘yoga’ I don’t want to be associated with; I teach intuitive movement perhaps I’ll say instead, or Pilates and mindfulness..  Yes, I too started with a 200 hour course but this was just The Start.  Hats off to anyone who can get onto teaching classes after that brief introduction (unless perhaps already with a vast amount of practice in more than just asan and education in A&P) but it’s not real.  And it’s giving ‘yoga’ a really bad reputation among people who actually give a shit about the connective, expansive and life changing side of this beautiful ancient tradition.  I know I’ve only less than a decade of experience here but I won’t claim to be anything more, I teach modestly and am quite open about my limitations, then if people return they can listen to how I can point only back to them for them to learn what it is they’re looking for.

 

For a simple example, paschimottonasana, seated forward bend; can you hold your big toes? How does holding your big toes make your WHOLE spine, shoulders, feet, etc feel?  Do you have a feeling of length through out or did you have to compress and contort something to get there?  I.e. is that congruent with your whole?..  Can you still breathe?  Does it even matter that you have your toes?!  Some hips and spines are that open, TBH, I don’t see that many in classes I teach; general bodies have been long deformed by chairs, sofas, cars and society.  Does YOUR body need to be in a deeper bend than him or her?  Do you need to master this posture to post it onto your or as a response to a celebrity teachers’ instawank?  Is that 5 seconds of pain necessary to inflict upon yourself?..  Are you enough aware about how to listen to yourself so you can hear how your body responds to this posture?  So you are aware if that’s the right place for you to be right now?  Or sorry, were you just after a stretch class?
fallingyoga
Picture of me on old yoga photoshoot punching above my weight trying to pose for pinchamayurasana – just in case things needed lightening up 😉

 

It’s the drive to go deeper into posture without regard for causing damage to the body; which for me, has been one of the most powerful realisations (which I keep coming back to!) about how the path of yoga moved from an exercise class (yes, this is how it started for me) into something a lot more.   Saying that, yes, I know by teaching the way that I do, I run the risk of bastardising some of the lineages of Asan; but for me, not taking into consideration that our overly sedentary Western bodies have simply (most of us) had different experiences during the formative years than past yogis, is bastardising the Yamas and Niyamas..  Social media has a lot to answer for about portraying a distorted view on what bodies ‘should’ look like and be capable of doing; smiling contortionists, getting all pretzeled up, just for the shot..  Unless you’re a dancer, gymnast, martial artist, moved properly your whole life (and have some degree of hypermobility) how really can one be able to sit comfortably and breathe in some of these postures?..  Hats off to those who can, love it!  But this doesn’t make up the majority in my UK based circles.

 

Too often I’ve seen and heard people aggressively being pushed or pushing oneself into postures, throwing our cells around and blaming yoga for our getting injured.  It troubles me to hear from students talking about teachers who are regularly showing off their postures, head standing in front of everyone before class has even begun, FFS, really?!  Whilst of course wearing the latest ‘in’ lycra, all a part of the modern ‘yoga’ brand.  Although I am in one vein, criticising this, in the other I hold space for it, as I’ve been there too.  Feeling the pull to go there still now at times (yes I appreciate aesthetics and pretty things!), it feels good to wear nice things!  But as teachers at least, I encourage you to question your motives sometimes.  It’s hot, I want to wear my abs out..!  Hmmm, yea but then those people who come to my class who aren’t all day movers get a distorted perception of healthy body image..  Those who maybe can’t afford much more than their gym membership get the feeling they don’t have enough money to buy into the ‘yoga’ world of looking good?..  Why and when did yoga become so exclusive?  When did all this get so mixed up?   Again, FFS..  I wear all sorts, but if I want to look sexy I keep it for my free time with the someone I want to look sexy for, not people who are coming to learn something with such a transformational edge with, it gives totally (for my style at least) the wrong impression.  Students are already at one’s mercy due to the set up of teaching, keep it pure, keep it real, keep your freaking EYES wide OPEN.  I’ve recently started teaching yoga classes to banging tunes, requirement of the particular studio, the message still transpires; breath in the asana, not just pushing the painful posture; banging beats, whale noises or silence..

 

For the past 7 years or so I tried so hard to fit into the yoga world, causing injuries, ignoring my desires for other pursuits and trying to keep up with the trends.  Now I say fuck it.  Fuck the clothing companies (I actually wrote to one about only having size 6 models and was told this is protocol.. Sweaty Betty your response was pretty lame and unsatisfactory), fuck the “I can touch my big toe”, fuck the contortion, fuck the perfect alignment, fuck the competition; give me the sensing, inside out awareness with less headfucks and back aches.  Each of those has it’s space in the world, let’s celebrate the differences for what they are?  Rather than what they claim to be..?

Love

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Somatic Unwinding

So far, the experience has been profound.  I’m feeling a need on some level to do some crazy exercise to shake it all up and get back into my past default in questing for muscular strength.  However, having just received a second 1:1 hands on session of Body Mind Centering, from the lead trainer Katy Dymoke, I’m just going to continue to lay on the floor and be with the tangled mess which is my inner body..  This beautifully sweet training, and supporting body work is helping me to unwind the world of pain felt in my body which; I had surrendered to needing to endure forever, now I’m not so sure.

nerves

It’s a crying shame that despite the amount of yoga and Pilates sessions I’ve received that there isn’t more of this information present.  I have just 2 teachers in each discipline whom teach from this perspective.  THIS is what it’s all about, not your abs, your yoga selfies or your legs a kimbo!..  I’m so exhausted, in a good way, hence why this is the only thing I’ve managed to publish through out my so far 2 weeks Somatics training, but more is coming!  Watch this space ..

Day 3 Nervous System, 2nd Session with Katy

Dropping in, listening..

Relearning how to hear.

A deep yearning for these pathways to clear!

To sense in(my)sides,

Of course before sensing the other may fully arise..

Organ support, how to purport?

After a life time of neglect,

6 short years means I’m not quite there yet..

So many feelings, mainly in my gut and head,

To hear, implicitly, impartially,

My body craving this in its totality.

I’m sorry, I’m here now..

No wonder it all hurts, for so long working as a disjunct and abstract organism..

It’s not just you dear muscles, ligaments and bones whom need to hold up this being.

It’s not just you dear organs, fluids and glands, whom cope with digestion, procreation and feeling..

As, all together, a synergy can persist,

Allowing ease, strength and harmony to exist.

Crossed messages, fibres and pain,

Never again can I move the same..

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What You Look Like Versus How You Feel

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For many, many years; a lot of my eating and exercising choices have been made on how I presume them to make me look, not always putting the value on how I feel.  Have your ever been more concerned about what you look like versus how you feel?!

Yes, I’ve had to eat and exercise to help the condition of Crohn’s which can sometimes raise it’s head and put me in hospital, or worried I’d need to go there again but still; it’s only just now with some more experiences and therapies that I can see more of the motivation behind many of my basic but essential life choices.

Having had food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, tannin reactions, stress reactions (generally this aggravates the special cells in my intestines the worst) lead to many ill feelings and skin conditions; I would do just enough in the ‘right’ direction to help me to feel better but wasn’t fully getting the WHY of these feelings and reactions from my body.  Call it a blessing or a curse, I seem to have a very fine tuned body which can either work tremendously well or go the other way pretty quickly too.christinerun1crop

Eating too healthily, avoiding this type of food, trying this type of diet (not necessarily one for keeping trim but to be ‘healthy’ for my guts too, which if I’m honest, always wound up with me at least not gaining any weight through fat); do this exercise, run a 10KM to get fit (photo left, 2008, possibly my worst year), do that training plan, this class..  It’s not been easy to regain my energy, full strength and vitality, whilst having my skin and hair express the same clarity but what I’ve learnt recently makes it all seem that much more simple..

The one thing (which was initially driven by my ego too, in order to get stronger than the other people in the class) which I have been consistent with as a way to FEEL good in my body and mind has been yoga.  Since my first class in London (I had done it before but was more into Pilates) about 6 years ago I was hooked; also very close to another hospital stay for my guts but it made me feel about a million times better each time, despite still hobbling out of class in some amount of pains.

Even yoga I’ve used as a tool to look muscular, or slim, or cool doing ‘the’ poses.  Which is probably why it bugs me so much to see all the instagram bollocks with selfies, self-promotion, expensive clothing brands to help you ‘look good’, and basic shameless bastardisation of this amazing science/art which has done so much in the making of me being alive and well today!..

So what’s changed now!? I listen.  I listen to my body, not just my head telling me, don’t have that it’ll make you fat; do that work out it’ll make you look more strong and muscular, train, workout, eat less, eat ‘healthy’; that’s bad for you, you need to do this to sculpt you..  My head, has many threads of pressure to ‘perform’ (work, life, love, play..), but this October (after the excessive tannin induced stint of winding up again with symptoms of system intoxication through ignoring the subtle messages of my body) I’ve gifted myself with enough space and time to sit back and listen.  Not forcing myself to work as much, or keep busy training or something during the quiet times.  Taking education from different diets (like the GAPS, Paleo, low tannin, anti-inflammatory, alkalising) to help give me the tools to understand how to nourish myself based on how I feel, to help clear the cloud of confusion walking into a shop or a cafe and not have to just walk out hungry coz I didn’t know what I felt like..  To not train so much, to let my fast twitch muscle fibres slow down a little bit and LET my body relax; to do more of the movements I can hear my body singing to!  To let myself self-regulate more on this internal compass rather than what I see around me.

I hear and see that for many people, it’s not about taking more time to relax but more time to energise; I see that some people have a different issue to this, but the answer is still the same; is what you’re doing (or not doing) feeling good?  Do you feel good in your body?  If not, change something, try something new which does feel good!..

For some people, this listening in has always been present; for others, we’ve needed to undo or are still undoing a LOT of interfering from the outside world.  Listening in takes time, and out of the confusion is where we can blossom into OUR truest nature, rather than the expectations of our surrounds.. And after all that, when you feel good, it oozes out of you and your face will radiate amazingness!