Love winning
Ayahuasca Adventure
So finally I’ve booked it. My trip to the Amazonian rain forest in Peru for this ayahuasca adventure. 4 weeks, just me, myself and I; set with the intention to unwind, deprogram and realign to who I say I choose to be. Thanking and leaving the past now not useful parts behind me..
Over the past year I’ve been attending regular Embodied Relation Yoga Therapy with a fantastic therapist teacher, Kate Ellis. This therapy of allowing my true threads of self to emerge, combine this with my ever unfolding path of yoga, and being married to a wonderfully different yet similar being to I; has supported my feeling the most comfortable with myself than I can ever remember being. But, living a constant life in London, so much happens so fast, with people struggling to get along with themselves and each other, I’ve found can be tiring. I keep flitting between feeling OK with where I’m at, trusting and knowing I’m on the right path, to wanting to chuck it all in and live in a tree house somewhere remote and wild.. The more I’m working with Kate and unveiling my true self, the more I KNOW that part of my path here on Earth, is to be that innocent playful expressionist, encouraging others to give in to their innocence too.. Not to be scared of the weird part of ones self, but to embrace it and transmute the voices of self-limitation into something more supportive of creative living..
Hence, finding myself embarking on this adventure, now new questions arise about what it is I might find. I’ve discussed this path with many and until last week’s session with Kate my questions just seem inhibited some how, but now.. I want to be able to decipher those energies which are not mine but yet plague me for energy, I intend to be able to see with more clarity where my true path lies rather than seeking out the safest option. This trip isn’t about getting high on this ayahuasca adventure and forgetting all ones problems, quite the opposite. It’s about shining a light on those deeply unconscious parts of ones self which feel problematic, the parts which we cannot see with this 3D viewing physical eye. Seeing these parts so they may be assimilated and processed with conscious awareness, helping to further ones path into peaceful living. I’ve been manic, stressed, hospitalised and nearly killed by the effects of stress on my sensitive system (in the forms of ulcers and Crohn’s disease); I’m now a long way from there but can still feel now is a good time to move beyond that further. We’re entering, or we’ve entered already into a new paradigm, times are a changing for the better and therefore we have much strength given to our healing. The new moon came into Virgo (sign of healing and getting things right) yesterday and it’s like the planets themselves are saying, “do it! Break out from the things which don’t feel healthy!”
The ayahuasca adventure retreat and Shaman I’ve chosen is one which has been recommended to me by someone personally trained by the Shaman and also attending this adventure. Always with this nature of work, one MUST know one’s lineage when embarking on such a sensitive and potentially dangerous journey if in the hands of the inexperienced or untrue. Check out www.kataricentre.com if you want more information on a place in Peru which has been verified as authentic.
I’ll write more about this in due course, check back later 😉
xx
Range Of Motion, Different for Everyone
All along our physical journey (regardless of yoga interactions) there are people who seem stronger, more flexible and all round more able.
I see my ego be sparked by this still daily, but I’m not so much letting this influence me. Yes, I still am on my own path of continuous development but no, I no longer look at others, or their range of motion, as a bench mark of where I need to be. Similarly, when peers and students alike say ‘I’d love to be able to do that’ it’s not always appropriate to deliver this message.
I thought when I started yoga, especially getting into teaching, that one day my spine would straighten out and I’d be able to continue to lengthen my adho mukha (down dog) and paschimottonasana (deep forward bend). But to be honest; my body doesn’t seem to want to go that way and I’ve given up trying to force those shapes on my already super mobile and somewhat asymmetrical self.
Another truth, which appears to be held in many different camps of thought, is that some bodies are born more mobile, with a larger range of motion than others.
Whereas some bodies are so mobile it can cause pain and injuries so much more easily; but it also means they ‘get into’ those shapes we all look at with awe. Generally also (clearly not for everyone), a lot of yoga, dance and gymnastics tend to have this innate mobility within their joints and muscles – hence the propensity for more mobile people to work in careers which work with this innate ‘ability’. The different camps of thought around hypermobility/hyperlax joints is too deep to get into here, but basically, some people ignore it, some people don’t know about it, and some people seem to suffer tremendously from it. For me, I know my joints have a larger than ‘normal’ range of motion which has caused me issues in the past. But instead of focusing on the bits which don’t feel so good, and getting anxious that it’s too much, I focus on alignment, spirals and loops within my body to help me to make the most out of physical movement practices. I also work a lot with Pilates.
Thus, basically, some people bend more than others. This need not be a reason to quit your journey into physical practice but just to add as a back note when watching teachers, peers or others on their YouTube channel, that their Range Of Motion may be pre-set different to yours. And, If you are naturally more flexible, finding your edges maybe harder than for stiffer bodies so be mindful not to push your already flexible body into shapes it may regret upon recoiling.
Let your ego wrap around these words and have a break from competing (get into Your yoga!). Not looking to judge others who might bend deeper, or not, but to let yourself off the hook of pushing too much into those shapes that are made by those who do. Find your edge with patience and observation, and feel into how much you’re ready to move beyond it, in THIS moment. See, feel and honor every step of your journey, enjoy your challenges, not challenging your differences compared to another.
Love and patience shared to all who continue to learn, for by continuing to learn we continue to grow in LIFE and LOVE.
Gratitude
I’m grateful for all my friends, family, teachers, students, and randoms who reflect aspects of myself previously unseen.
I’m grateful for my warm, light, happy and nurturing home; in a location I love.
I’m grateful for my life’s purpose, and what it brings me from amazing people, to profound experiences.
I’m grateful for my health, for the health of my body, mind and spirit…
I’m grateful I fill my belly with healthy, tasty and nourishing food; and that I can take a hot shower and lay in a comfy bed, each and every day.
You’ve probably seen it too, all those people who do gratitude 100 days or weeks or something. I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll just say it once on here; that’s enough. As truly, deeply, I do, or in the least have the intention to honor these things for EVERYDAY so long as I’m breathing and thinking.. I don’t wish to compare my path to others and be happy I am not x, y, z; but to perhaps offer inspiration for any readers, who don’t already, to have their own gratitude list too!
It’s not about what you have, It’s about your state of mind..
To push or not to push..
To push or not to push?
To push for a response in somebody who is taking their time?
To push somebody/my body on the mat, until every muscle is well and truly done in?
To push my mum to stop giving me a hard time about being a bit wild?
To push my opinions about food and intolerance/allergy, because it might help someone else?
To push myself to wear those uncomfortable but o so gorgeous shoes?
To push or be pushed, into something I don’t quite yet get?
To push myself and drink coffee, to make that early meet?
What’s really worth pushing? Or when may the long term price, be not as nice as the sweet fruits of instant gratification?
If I’m tired, can I not just stay in the comfort of my sheets and duvet? No, I must push myself to go to work, perhaps, because I know I’ll be happy with the fruits of my labor?.. Or am I chasing a dream to have all the consumables I see in the ads?. I want an answer from my lover even though for some reason they still seem resistant; is it right to push someone to open up, to make that connection because it serves my own insecurities?
How hard do I push the people in front of me, to break through their current barriers? OR, do I leave them more to their own charge to empower them further, so they Know they can do it as and when they’re ready each time? Rather than empowering myself, to be their hook into getting up? Do I/they not trust in their abilities?
Coffee is a fantastic drink, I love it, but know all too well, to have it every day, one gets a dependence.. Pushing ones self could be considered as still a more empowered form of pushing; depending on if that drive comes from internal or external powers.. I.e. setting up a patterning which gets us hooked on the drive of something beyond our energetic selves? Pushing ourselves to do something to impress another (be that a real other or media imposed ideas)?..
The next time you find yourself pushing for a result or an answer – ask yourself, is the time right? Does it empower or dis-empower myself or an other(s)?
Voice it (expletive content)
I thought I had my voice, for 30 years I was at least sure of that.. However until recently I didn’t quite realise how much I was holding back..
When laughing I remember my full volume coming out, a few loud cackles until I stopped the sound with self doubt..
I guess on the rare occasion my full expression maybe heard, but not during those frequent times when I was too scared to say if I was stressed or disturbed..
Thinking I’m not worthy of voicing my discomfort, thinking I’m just sensitive, and these nuances I should simply put up with..
From the rat race demanding we all go at the same space and pace, to bankers and politicians who make this country a disgrace..
A higher rent, than most can earn; maybe if more of us find our voices, the tables will turn?!
I’m not too sure if this is more of a female thing, worrying about what others will think.. What will they think about my expression so raw??. But I’m in deep need to stop suppressing this roaaarr!
“Better out than in” is what I keep imagining, yet so far from where I had been living..
I’m angry as fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I’m not that human who simply puts up..
The method to release this madness, hmmm where to begin. Maybe throw caution into the wind..
Still, I don’t know, how to let it go; how to get more in line with MY voice and my flow.. Mindful movement is where I shall start, mindful not to just use the head but also the heart..
From holding back, the lesson I’ve learnt, express how you feel and the less you’ll get burnt!
Less Like Hard Work
I’ve been working with an intention for the last 3 weeks to not work so hard. I know I know! My work is on a freelance basis, therefore one needs to work really hard to make it happen (it’s ok mum, I’m doing great with work).. Getting places on time. Being in a committed relationship, this too requires work, and, personal development plays a big part in my life, always working hard to be the best I can be. Friendships require effort and attention, and so does physical yoga and Pilates practice, Meditation and studying a nutritionist diploma. Life can be hard work!
Any of that sound familiar?!
So here’s where things have started to shift for me and how not working so hard has been the ultimate blessing for my productivity and creativity.. I regularly go for 1:1 sessions with the wonderful Kate Ellis (look her up for amazingness in and around deep yoga journeying), and one thing she observed, which I now feel I observe in many around me, is the drive to work really hard! To be strong and make things happen!
I grew up with the mantra to work hard for what I wanted, be that physical achievements, work, studies or relationships. Reflecting, I’ve achieved really well from my degree, several decent jobs and many other qualifications now under my belt; I’ve been married for over 2 years and I feel I have a beautiful set of friends I love and appreciate. I worked F-ing hard to get to where I am now, sitting in my yoga dojo in my warm and lovely home; and I’m grateful for all my hard work and that of those around me to help me get to here. However, I’m now learning, there is a different way…
Downfalls of working excessively hard: Fatigue, tiredness, stress (leading to development of Crohn’s disease for me), control issues, sore and tight muscles and generally an absence of the lightness in life.
It doesn’t have to be this way..
So, this last 3 weeks experiment of not working so hard have been some of the hardest 3 weeks of my life to date! Learning to let go, properly let go of things, express what bothers me (rather than swallow it and tell myself I need to work harder to avoid certain feelings) be open to opportunities but stop trying to make so much work and happen all at once; being able to trust that I do have enough work, more is coming to me and that I teach awesome classes and am a great friend and wife without having to spend so much energy. Among the challenge and the bouts of major anxiety I can finally feel not working so hard working for me.. Life is unfolding in a much more natural way and my own practice and teaching have just spun off to a whole new level of awareness and spaciousness; holding a space rather than trying to fill it with the best solutions I could find. Friends and relationships will stay if they’re meant to be, meeting up with someone doesn’t need to be a chour but an easy meeting when and where paths are crossing and vibrations resonate.
Does any of this echo for you? Are you exhausted with life? Try taking a step back and let it come to you. Trust me, as a freelancer getting over an unhealthy relationship with money and self worth, it’s hard not chasing every lead; but relaxing, trusting and staying more open and focused to the now, has invited in more work and better clients than I could have found marching the streets of London for 10 years, wearing a body poster. Lol, funny but unnecessary image.
Watch, Listen and Learn from yourself. Stop forcing that yoga posture, stop forcing yourself to perform like a circus monkey. Be full present in Each and Every Moment. Honor your softer side in balance and harmony with your harder edge..
With love xxx
P.s. I don’t mean stop getting out of bed, turning up for work or calling your friends! Apply effort that feels nourishing. Be kind to you.
Why is Yoga so Popular?
No doubt about it, every where you go, there is someone who practices, or has attained their Teacher Training for yoga (even if not using it). Yoga seems to have become one of the world’s major commodities, yoga clothes, equipment, sessions, classes, training courses, retreats, workshops, holidays, studios, you name it!.. It’s easier in some places to do your TT than to study anything else which has such a powerful return.. I’m not saying I agree with the way all teachers come through, especially considering (when applied as intended, rather than as a fitness regime simply taking the name of Yoga..) the emotional, physical, energetic and psychological transformations that go on in class and session. But, what is going on?..
For me, and many others, the journey into yoga has been profound, to say the least. Through practicing yoga (considering of course the broad perspective of meditation, asana, pranayama and ways of discipline) I have not only saved myself from another potentially brutal surgery, addictions and an eating disorder but I’m continuing to unfold the rich tapestry that is life, and why it would seem, to me, we’re here having this set of experiences in the first place..
Previous to teaching yoga, my training was all in workings of the body, mind, computers and maths; science explored with hard evidence. I would pick up the odd self-help book to help me to make a little more sense of the muddle of life (although a well paid job and lovely friends and home) which would just seemingly happen around me. Through my ‘formal’ education, there was little to NO ‘soft skills’ , ‘life skills’ and not enough support with those huge questions such as, what is the meaning of life? Or, how can bad things happen to innocent children? What is the point of me being here?! And, how do I process these feelings?..
Along comes yoga. It was and still is tough, it got to my ego how weak I had become through sickness and lifestyle. I was hooked on getting stronger. But the more I took the time to listen to my teachers about the breath work, the meditation and intentions during physical practices, the more my curiosity and excitement grew for the broader subject of yoga. Asking questions to my teachers, taking time out in India, reading more and more about the origins of yoga, and how others have interpreted that, I became aware of and interested in that part of myself which connected me to something bigger.. Coming from Catholic schooling if I ever heard the word God before, then I would turn my nose up and laugh..
The more I unfolded within myself, the more I noticed the needing to witness what’s going on around me, rather than getting caught up in it so much. I see now, how much we are all connected, even though our personalities might be the furthest thing apart. The more this connection strengthens between myself and all that is, the more I want to share this with others. As surely, when all living beings recognise their own greatness – then the power struggle, greed and fear can stop, and I feel, ‘bad’ things will stop happening to innocent men, women and children through more willingness to share and love..
How many other ‘main stream’ jobs, classes, activities or lines of inquiry offer this? How many other jobs push you to explore the deepest darkest parts of your psyche? What else is there to help you unfold in a friendly, fun and loving atmosphere? Unless you go into other therapies such as body work or psychology of sorts then there is no onus to develop ones self beyond the text book; even then, I’m not sure of how many disciplines of the mind have you exploring the soul and the body at the same time.. AND, yoga has become so accessible to study..
It doesn’t surprise me how so many people are hooked on yoga. I’d say if you have discovered you like it, doing the teacher training is a great way you can do to form a better relationship with yourself, even if you don’t want to teach (or, even easier, a regular yoga and mediation practice with a dedicated teacher where there is space for you to ask questions and interact). Hearing some reports, it may not sound like all training courses support students the same.. The main reason I advocate yoga so strongly is because I’m not sure how many other disciplines incorporate such depth of self-discovery? Or, offer support through a change of perspective and the openness to challenge old beliefs..? Martial arts are also a beautiful discipline but again, can be questionable as to it’s path also into spiritual growth..
Choose your guru or teachers wisely, find ones which speak to your heart in a very pure sense.. There is no greater feeling than that of self-liberation, self-empowerment and realising you are a part of something greater, together..
Mother Ayahuasca, round 5
Coming back to the subject of ceremony with medicine, I’ve heard of a few cases of whimsical usage of the medicine and thus some perspectives to be tainted. Of course, it’s not going to be for everyone and it’s important that you must know your Shaman is someone you can trust – word of mouth generally offers a good recommendation..
I wrote in my previous plant medicine blog about my first retreat drinking the sacred vine, as known as Ayahuasca (along with it’s counter part the Chacruna leaf), to induce a healing from the inside out. This healing is usually accompanied by a felt sense (felt differently for each individual) of el madre, or ‘the mother’ which is one of the effects of the medicine going to work on your physical, emotional, spiritual, and or other bodies of your existence.
This most recent experience again has served me kindly and gently, after 4 cups (usually 1 or 2 is enough..) of the not so pleasant tasting medicine, I found myself once again on a journey, a journey of my body. It’s never hit me with explosive vomiting or toileting as means of the releasing; my purging again this time being based on movement and laughter.. Having been guided by the shaman, who was new to me, my depth of appreciation for this +2000 year old ceremony has once again grown..
I could feel the medicine working in my stomach and intestines; for the whole duration I felt nauseous, perhaps sometimes before one is ready to purge one’s bowels the medicine and moment has to be right.. As told by the shaman that it’s probably only a matter time, perhaps more work needs to be undone on my path before the medicine is ready to help me release my gastro associated workings.. The geometric patterns, stars on the ceiling and overwhelming sense that in every moment ANYTHING is possible; the squirming, leg shaking, finger twisting, skull exploring motions that again wouldn’t let my body sit still like most other internally journeying participants.. All for my interpretation pointing to the fact I’m in exactly the right field of work, with a need to further explore the physical! But there’s something in my guts still not budging..
Makes sense if I’m 100% honest with myself, I am still exploring an interesting relationship around eating (having my Crohn’s mostly under wraps) an oral persona to play out.. I thought I could get away with once again denying to myself and others that I still have work to do here, but the medicine, the mother, knows.. I am the kind of person who craves an authentic life and the medicine has helped me to once again, shine a light on the parts of me which were being disingenuous to this treasured trait. The joy and sometimes the woe of Ayahuasca, it gives you just what you need, which may be the furthest point away from what you think you need!
May the integration of lessons continue, the real journey starts now ceremony is over!..
New Year, What U Starting..?!
New moons, new seasons, new year and new Paradigms… EVERYTHING energetically and cosmically is giving us constant opportunities to grab a hold of our lives the way we see fit to live them, and go for it!
The highs and the lows being a part of life but choosing in which direction being our right.. The coming few months being the fruition point to turn things around even more to our liking..
What is it again which you choose to take on in this life? How do you want to kick start this new year into action to work for YOU, self-empowering into feeling great about who YOU are and what YOU want.. Thus if we fulfill ourselves from our hearts and with love, this surely is to run over into empowering others and allowing others to fill up themselves – a time for connection both inside and out.
SHARE THE LOVE.
I have my own to do list to complete over the next few days, yes, it’s a bit scary going into the unknown, not knowing if efforts seem futile but trusting in the process. If it’s not done now, then when?!..
Love x